Dare To Ask Talk And News About Our Differences - This topic has 3 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 23 years, 11 months ago by
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My boyfriend of several months recently told me he was sexually abused as a child. I’m the first woman he’s had regular sex with, and he’s experienced numerous problems, including loss of erection and inability to orgasm. After several beers he’s told me about domination/submission fantasies and of having fantasies about men, which he seemed to be deeply ashamed of while sober. His relatively low sex drive also bothers me, especially because he seems preoccupied with masturbation. I really like him and don’t want to give up on him, and I’m wondering if all of this is the aftermath of sexual abuse. Any thoughts?
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Name : Girlfriend, Gender : F, City : Austin, State : TX, Country : United States,I absolutely think your boyfriend’s issues stem from his sexual abuse, especially if the offender was male. I dated a man once who had the misfortune of being abused by a priest, and boy did he have problems (the same ones you mentioned). If your boyfriend has never gone to therapy, I would highly recommend it. You can be there to support him, but realize that it will be incredibly hard.
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Name : Mellen, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Catholic, Age : 37, City : Boston, State : MA, Country : United States, Occupation : Counselor, Education level : Over 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class,First, go easy on him. I’m sure it took a lot for him to open up to you, and I don’t just mean alcohol. I wouldn’t dwell too much on his low sex drive. It may or may not be related. I expect he masturbates a lot, because the one person he can trust not to hurt him is himself. Don’t take that personally. It sounds like he really loves you. He would’ve run away ages ago without telling you if he didn’t. Sometimes even if his mind trusts you his body may associate sexual arousal with shame, pain and hurt, hence the loss of erection etc.
It sounds like he’s unsure himself about the fantasy side of things. He may genuinely wan’t these things but be unable to separate them from the abuse, or he may think he somehow instigated the abuse and therefore that he wanted it . I hope you don’t give up on him. It would just reinforce his feelings of guilt and lack of self worth. Try and work on making him feel more secure. If he knows without a doubt he can trust you, it will help him take the plunge and start to deal with the past. Therapy probably would help him, but it’s a huge step from talking about it to his closest partner when drunk and facing it with strangers when sober.
There are no quick fixes here, but there are small steps along the way. Meanwhile, don’t blame yourself for his behavior. He’s been badly damged, and it’s just a protective mechanism, not an indication of how he feels about you. Listen to how he says he feels about you; it’ll give you a truer picture.
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Name : Harry21423, Age : 24, City : London, State : NA, Country : United Kingdom,I really hope you don’t give up on this guy- like somebody else posted, it’ll reinforce his feelings that he shouldn’t tell you, make him feel low again. Talking about it is probably a good thing- that’s what I hear from survivors. Let him know that you still care for him, and that you’ll listen to him. With a lot of patience, domination fantasies can be used as the later part of his healing… it’s a chance to ‘re-write’ the script that he played out so many years ago, to end it in a way that is healing to him. Then again, he may just want to have fun. Not sure how his psyche is; this *is* something to be careful of with an abuse survivor; he’s likely to be into shaming fantasies, which probably won’t help him at all. Something where his ‘dom’ tells him what a wonderful boy he is might be better. Builds him up a bit. I dated a guy who had abuse issues… lack of drive and of erection was a biggie. He got therapy and is now doing very well. Good luck- sounds like you have a keeper!
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Name : Kerry, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Lesbian, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Wiccan, Age : 31, City : Ventura, State : CA, Country : United States, Occupation : Stagehand, Education level : 4 Years of College, Social class : Upper middle class,
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