[Paulette19820]

Why is it that people are nearly always assumed to be straight unless they fit the obvious stereotypes of gay/lesbian? For example, instead of asking a female, 'Do you have a boyfriend?', why can't the question be, 'Do you have a partner?' or if a female says, 'My partner...', do people have to start saying, 'he', when they don't know for sure? I know people don't intend to be offensive, but a bit of extra consideration would be nice. It gets frustrating having to keep correcting people's assumptions, and you don't know whether the other person is going to react in a homophobic way when you make the correction.

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Name : Paulette19820, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Lesbian, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Agnostic, Age : 25, City : Sydney, State : NA Country : Australia, Education level : 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class, 

[Douglas25667]

It is you who has created the confusion. Society generally operates under the assumption of normalcy. Politically correct or not and despite what you may want to believe, homosexuality is not, in general, considered normal. Why fault others for a situation you brought upon yourself?

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[Chuck A.]

Douglas writes, 'Why fault others for a situation you brought upon yourself?' Being Gay is not something that one brings upon oneself, any more than being Straight is some you 'brought upon yourself.' Being Gay is not a matter of opinion or being 'politically correct.' My sexual orientation is just as innate and fundamental to my being as yours is to you, so why should it offend or confuse you? Gee, Doug, your ought to read YForum more often; you might learn to understand other people's difference better. That's the purpose of this forum.

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[Mark Bentley]

It's a heterocentric world out there. That is a fact. The majority generally assumes that someone who is not 'obviously' gay or lesbian is therefore straight - not always out of malice but more from just not knowing any different. You might try to imagine asking a straight, Southern Baptist youth minister if he has a partner. I would think he would be offended by the implication that he might have something other than a girlfriend.

Once the decision is made to be out about your sexuality, you must expect to run across some homophobic reactions. That has been my experience in my home state of good ol' redneck Texas. The majority of the people I run into don't appear to care one way or the other, but there are the occasional homophobes who cause problems. I have had to learn to just deal with it as it happens. If they are at least polite about it, so am I. If they are rude or inconsiderate, then I go full camp and let 'em have a good ol' Southern queen rendition. I am comfortable in the belief that the problem is theirs, not mine.

So, give folks the benefit of the doubt on the first encounter. The real litmus test is how they react in future encounters.

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[Rick29808]

Not everyone is as aware or sensitive as we would sometimes like. Society has only fairly recently begun to admit that gays and lesbians even exist. I think until the last 20 years or so, most gays were closeted, so people assumed they were very rare. Progress is being made toward the acceptance of homosexuality, so the changes you suggest will one day occur.

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[Chuck A.]

Paulette, you have cut right to the heart of why it's so important for lesbians and gay men to be open and honest about who we are; because if we stay in the closet, and we do not fit outrageous stereotypes about how lesbians or gay men are supposed to talk, act or appear, the unconscious assumption is made that we are straight. For instance, I am a big, stocky guy, tend to favor bluejeans and sweatshirts and certainly do not have a remotely effeminate voice. Yet I am also a proud gay man, politically active and hopelessly devoted to my partner, Greg. I don't want ANYONE to assume I am straight, so it's kind of frustrating when I'm asked if I have a wife or girlfriend. And to any straight person who reads these comments, I ask you: If you found out that an employer or some other acquaintance had made the assumption that you were gay, would you not want to correct that assumption?

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[Kristina]

You have to keep in mind that the mainstream is for people to date individuals of the opposite gender. And unfortunately, people do have their stereotypes. Unless somebody knows that a person is gay, they may ask, 'Do you have a boyfriend or do you have a girlfriend?' Our society at the moment is not 'open' enough to ask, 'Do you have a partner?' It must be frustrating, but the best thing to do is try to not let it bother you and let them know up front.

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[Carl]

Of course the question to a woman will be, 'Do you have a boyfriend?' Heterosexuality is the norm, after all, and is much more prevalent than homosexuality (last I read it was 97% to 3%). It may be frustrating in your case, but be realistic: you represent a tiny minority. Society cannot conform to the opposing whims and desires of marginal groups. If society's standards do not apply to you, that is your cross to bear. People are not being intentionally offensive, so you'll just have to deal with it.

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[Doug25628]

I've been in similar situations, so I had to laugh reading your questions. I feel that questions about someone's relationship are very personal, so if you can't deal with a response regarding an alternative lifestyle, don't ask the questions. Sometimes, if I'm in a mood and want to gauge someone, I'll answer using 'husband.' Other times I'll use the gender-neutral 'partner,' but I always use the gender-specific pronouns (i.e. 'My partner says he doesn't like blue on me'). The most fun I have is with telemarketers. They ask for 'Mrs. ...' and in my deepest basso voice I respond, 'Speaking.' Sometimes I have to explain further that we're a gay couple, but it's a lot of fun to imagine what they're thinking in that dead silence I hear over the phone. As to the whys in your question, I guess the male/female gender couple is still the predominant relationship, and the same-sex couple is in the minority. I would guess that as people grow accustomed to the idea of gay people and gay people in relationships, the questions will become more neutral.

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[Kerry]

What is normal? For those of us attracted to our own gender, this is normal. Being with a man is abnormal, and in a huge way. Maybe not normal for you, but as far as I live my life, I don't really care what's normal for you, that's for you to figure out. I know what's normal and right for me, and that's how I live my life. I'm not asking you to live it, and I don't intend to live your life. So stop trying to fit a square peg in a round hole! Ain't never gonna work!

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[Daniel27215]

I think most people assume everybody's straight because most everyone they know is straight. A lot of people, even here in California, don't have openly gay or lesbian friends. Personally, I don't take offense to someone assuming I'm straight. Since most people are straight and I don't have any of the sterotypical gay mannerisms it never occurs to them that I may be gay. A lot of times I do look forward to telling somebody I'm gay. When they ask 'Do you have a girlfriend?' I just tell them 'No, my boyfriend wouldn't like that.' I just love the look on a person's face. But that's just me.

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[justin27089]

this question realy stupified me especially because it's voiced in an exasperated and offended tone that actually supposes that more than 90% of the population should've adjusted their behaviour years ago to avoid making what is a small faux pas to less than 10% of the population. the reason why the general populous has failed to replace 'wife/husband' with 'partner' in their day-to-day usage is because i could make a concious effort to use 'partner' in the context you described for ten years without ever saying it to a gay person. i don't mean to lecture, but this is the type of conciet that damages the credibility of the gay and lesbian community amongst the straight community, i.e., the other 97% of the population. which is sad, because there's pobably a hundred gay guys out there reading this who'd slap you stupid for being such a spoiled brat. THIS (not the other stuff like domestic partnerhood and adoption rights) is asking for special privleges.

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[t27541]

I think the assumptions made reflect the standpoint of the person who makes the assumption. So, a heterosexual individual would assume that his or her opposite would be heterosexual, while a homosexual individual may assume the opposite. I've had lesbian women approach me and assume I was lesbian, which I'm not, but that does not mean they were inconsiderate, does it? I think it would have gotten inconsiderate had they tried to 'win me over' and not respect my declaration that I was not sexually interested in my own gender. As yet, that has not happened to me (though it has happened to a female friend of mine who was sexually harassed by a lesbian woman, and that repeatedly). I don't think the mere assumption of a sexual inclination is inconsiderate or already reveals prejudice.

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[Geneva]

We assume because a womans physcial stucture is made to mate with a male. I agree it would be frustrating for a homosexual person but we are just following the norm of science. To me it seems if we substitute boy/girlfriend for partner and parents for guardians the labels lose the feelings.

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[ken26437]

i my self am a gay/african-american. i have never liked the term partner. being in business it reminds me of someone other than the person i am involved with in a business since. when we speak of labels and so forth, can we not just call our significant other our spouse?

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