[Andrea K.]

If a man has married and even fathered children, and then discovers (or admits) he is attracted to men, why does he then call himself gay rather than bisexual? If he was able to be aroused by his wife at some point, why does he suddenly go exclusively the other way? Do people have an aversion to classifying themselves as bisexual?

User Detail :  

Name : Andrea K., Gender : F, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Catholic, Age : 40, City : Farmington, State : ME Country : United States, Occupation : teacher/musician, Education level : Over 4 Years of College, 

[H.]

Many people do identify as bisexual. If a man is bi, he presumably would be as likely to stay with his wife forever. However, the situations that you are referring to involve men who are gay but do not accept it until after they have married a woman. Many men who are not attracted to a woman can have intercourse by closing their eyes and imagining they are with a man or by some other means. Such a man is gay but is playing the role of someone who is heterosexual or bi. He probably loves his wife as a friend but does not love her romantically and is not physically attracted to her.

User Detail :  

Name : H., Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Gay, Race : white Southerner, Religion : Methodist, Age : 25, City : Washington, State : DC Country : United States, Occupation : statistician, Education level : Over 4 Years of College, Social class : Upper middle class, 

[Rebecca30096]

From what I have heard, most gay men who are in relationships with women are not aroused by their wives/girlfriends. They become aroused by fantasizing about being with other men.

User Detail :  

Name : Rebecca30096, Gender : F, City : Anchorage, State : AK Country : United States, 

[Michael-Allen20633]

I used to date girls in highschool, as many gay men have. However, for some reason, there is a huge stigma to label yourself bi. The straight community hates it, the gay community hates it, so you're left alone in the room. Now even though I like guys better, my best sexual relationship was with a girl in highschool. However, I'm not an eager beaver to go back to women because it's not easy telling a woman you like sleeping with men. Once you go gay going back to straight is too hard since you don't want to go through the problems of going gay again (I'm talking relationship basis here).

User Detail :  

Name : Michael-Allen20633, Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Bisexual, Race : White/Caucasian, City : New York, State : NY Country : United States, Occupation : Multimedia Developer, Education level : 4 Years of College, Social class : Upper middle class, 

[Alicia31406]

I can't speak for all gay people, but sexuality is complicated. For many of us, once you've had sex with both genders, if we are honest with ourselves, we develop a stronger attraction for one gender over the other. While I am physically attracted to men, I am sexually, physically and emotionally attracted to women. It is easy to have children with the opposite sex regardless of your identity. As for the gay community's aversion to bisexuality, I believe it exists. I am going to hazard a guess that the stigma over bisexuality can be attributed to perceived hypocrisy. I think some gay people want bisexual people to take a stand and think that bisexuality borders on hypocrisy at beest or cowardice at worst.

User Detail :  

Name : Alicia31406, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Bisexual, Race : Black/African American, Religion : Christian, Age : 35, City : Atlanta, State : GA Country : United States, Occupation : publishing, Education level : 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class, 

[Bill]

I consider myself bi. I am not married but have a girlfriend. I have had oral sex with a couple guys a couple times while dating my girlfriend. When I have sex with her I think only of her. I am not attracted to men as far as a long-term relationship.

User Detail :  

Name : Bill, Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Bisexual, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Christian, Age : 25, City : Mckeespor, State : PA Country : United States, Occupation : College Student, Education level : 2 Years of College, Social class : Upper middle class, 

[Kerry]

It's possible that he may not have known. Some people may not realize 'what was wrong' until they are 40 or beyond. It's not so much a matter of 'admitting' it at this point - they truly did not know. Then when they compare what they had, well, the 'right' choice outstrips the 'wrong' one by so much that it doesn't count for anything, and they have to leave their marriage.

User Detail :  

Name : Kerry, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Bisexual, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Pagan, Age : 29, City : Ventura, State : CA Country : United States, Education level : 4 Years of College, Social class : Upper middle class, 

[Chuck A.]

Even with the progress lesbians and gay men have made toward acceptance in U.S. society, there are still fierce familial and societal pressures put upon all of us to conform. As children, boys are encouraged to play sports, and girls are encouraged to play with dolls. In school, words like 'faggot' and 'queer' are used as weapons; being called a fag is the worst thing in the world to a boy, even if he doesn't quite understand the full implications of the term. The norm among ostensibly 'traditional' families is for the sons to get good jobs, get married to nice girls and have lots of kids. Any other behavior is suspect, especially behavior that might indicate that one is (gasp!) homosexual. Speaking from experience, I came to grips with my sexual orientation in an easy, natural way, with a minimum of guilt, but for many other gay men I know, it was not so easy. For many gay men, it is impossible at first to reconcile one's inculcated beliefs that 'gay equals bad' with one's deeply ingrained homosexual orientation. For many of these men, the only perceived solution is to marry and father children in hopes that they might be 'cured.' (And trust me: With a little daydreaming it's possible for any gay man to consumate a sex act with a woman.) But as far as a genuine emotional and physical attraction goes, the charade ultimately proves to be an exercise in futility, and then the real damage takes place: Spouses feel betrayed, marriages are torn apart and children are caught in the fray. And for what? All for the sake of societal and familial expectations and conventions. It's very sad. It would be much better if society could learn to accept and support lesbians and gay men, and for lesbians and gay men to accept themselves and develop their own sense of self-worth, rather than having these contrived 'bisexual' scenarios play themselves out to their often painful conclusions.

User Detail :  

Name : Chuck A., Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Gay, Race : White/Caucasian, Age : 41, City : Spring Hill, State : WV Country : United States, Occupation : AIDS Educator/Part-time radio announcer, 

[Michael-A]

I used to date girls in high school, as many gay men have. However, for some reason, there is a huge stigma to label yourself bisexual. The straight community hates it, the gay community hates it, so you're left alone in the room. Now, even though I like guys better, my best sexual relationship was with a girl in high school. However, I'm not an eager beaver to go back to women because it's not easy telling a woman you like sleeping with men. Once you go gay, going back to straight is too hard because you don't want to go through the problems of going gay again (I'm talking relationship basis here).

User Detail :  

Name : Michael-A, Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Bisexual, Race : White/Caucasian, City : New York, State : NY Country : United States, Occupation : Multimedia Developer, Education level : 4 Years of College, Social class : Upper middle class, 

[John29327]

For centuries gay men have married and fathered children primarily out of a sense of family or social obligation. Even though social pressures on gay men to stay in the closet have greatly lessened in the last generation or so, many men still feel they have to hide behind the facade of happy family man or be castigated. I know a number of gay men who knew at a young age they weren't heterosexual but honestly thought they could change and make a marriage work through force of will. At some point, they just couldn't live the lie anymore and had to come out. Being married and fathering children never changed their basic orientation - being attracted to men - whether they had acted upon it or not.

User Detail :  

Name : John29327, Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Gay, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Pagan, Age : 36, City : Kansas City, State : MO Country : United States, Occupation : artist, Education level : Over 4 Years of College, 

[Dina M.]

there is agreat deal of biphobia. not just byheterosexuals but by homosexuals. there is a lot of monosexism wherein people think we either are all attracted to one sex only or should be attracted to only one sex. its easier to be gay than bi.

User Detail :  

Name : Dina M., Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Bisexual, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : unsure, City : Chicago, State : IL Country : United States, Occupation : Poet, Education level : Less than High School Diploma, Social class : Middle class, 

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