[Jill-A30668]

I have just found out my husband is constantly looking at hardcore pornography on our home computer. I discovered this inadvertently. He downloads pictures and movies all the time. I have looked at some of the items and found that many of them are white males (which he is) "involved" with black females (I am a white female). Does he need help? Is this natural? Is this a phase? He's a 36-year-old, white-collar worker.

User Detail :  

Name : Jill-A30668, City : Ann Arbor, State : MI Country : United States, 

[Ronald V.]

Pornography is a problem with most, if not all, men. Even pastors and highly respectable people have succumbed to pornography. Physiologically, men are sexually aroused by visual images. The adrenalin rush can be as addictive as nicotine or cocaine. Sex, drugs and alcohol are powerfully addictive. Unfortunately, this is an epidemic problem. Speaking as a married man, my wife has told me that if a man needs visual pornographic stimulation, his wife isn't doing her job. As I see it, sex between couples needs to be innovative and creative constantly, or it becomes as exciting as eating a hamburger. Sex between couples is natural and healthy, while pornography is not. It's like trading in a brand new car, a Ferrari, for a picture of a Lambourghini. The mind is what makes sex so exciting.

As for solving the problem of someone addicted to pornography, it will take counseling. Those not yet bitten by the pornography bug, as I see it, should flee from it, as an obese person should avoid streets lined with bakeshops.

User Detail :  

Name : Ronald V., Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Christian, Age : 47, City : Edmonton, State : NA Country : Canada, Education level : Over 4 Years of College, Social class : Lower middle class, 

[GARY]

In reading your question, it's not clear whether you are asking if it's natural for a white man to be interested in black women, or if it's normal for a man to be interested in porn. However, I will assume you mean the latter and address your inquiry in that regard. As another respondent said, men are quite visually stimulated. The interest in porn need not be a reflection on the wife, however. But then, at times it may well be. Why do men go to hookers or strip clubs when they have spouses at home? I have found the answer to be that there may be any number of reasons. Good/bad, right/wrong, hookers will do what wives won't often times. Strippers are there to make men, and sometimes women, feel like kings. The man's pleasure is all that matters (besides getting the money in his wallet). While one may argue the moral temperature of this phenomenon, it is really not germain. Men often want to feel like kings in the bedroom, and wives often fail to foster that feeling in men. This is where the hooker/stripper comes in. While it may be destructive to the relationship, men will indeed take the gamble for the experience of this much-needed pleasure. On the other hand, some men have wives who do everything for them, and yet they still frequent hookers and strip clubs or have affairs. There seems to be little or no logic to it. And that's the point. Emotions/feelings are not governed by logic. They simply are. If your husband has been entertaining a fantasy about black women, perhaps you would do well by your marriage to discuss it with him in a non-combative manner. If approached in this way, you may add some spice to your relationship. Otherwise, he may be so filled with the desire that any excursions away from home could involve fulfillment of his fantasies.

User Detail :  

Name : GARY, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : Black/African American, Religion : Jewish, Age : 38, City : Los angeles, State : CA Country : United States, Occupation : professional, Education level : Over 4 Years of College, 

[Steve Hill]

He does need help; it is often seen as natural; it isn't a phase. I've seen pornography since pre-puberty, when we found some magazines near Sunday School. It's secretness excited me, even though I knew nothing about sex and had never masturbated or had other than an accidental erection. It - or the secrecy about it - and my former partner's sense of betrayal ended my last relationship more than seven years ago. I am working on my self-esteem, which is at the root of my use of pornography; it may not be the same for your husband. I met my adopted-at-birth son for the first time a few years ago and was shocked when he told me, at our very first meeting (and with no prompting from me) that he spent hours each night downloading porn while his wife of two/three years was asleep. I did my best to tell him I thought his behavior wasn't going to be good for their relationship, quoting my own case. There are women who do think it's natural: 'I was worried about his sexuality until I found some mags under his bed' is how one woman friend talked to me about her son. I think you should say to him how it makes you feel (which you didn't in your message) and try to talk it through with him. I don't think you should let it go or indicate that it's OK if it isn't. It's deep-rooted and hard to shift - I wish you good luck and good faith.

User Detail :  

Name : Steve Hill, Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Agnostic, Age : 54, City : Leeds, State : NA Country : United Kingdom, Occupation : Publisher's Rep, Social class : Middle class, 

[Mawk]

Sorry to disagree with the first answer, but pornography is not a 'problem' at all. It is simply another way of expressing sexuality. Sometimes it is enjoying something that is felt but cannot be expressed by an individual (homosexuality or mixed-race couples), and sometimes it is enjoying something that is not accepted by society (bestiality, pedophilia). However hard you try, and however good your sex life is together - I guarantee your husband will enjoy these moments by himself. If you want to be a loving and supportive wife, simply pretend you didn't see a thing - and let him get on with it. I am sure you have fantasies that you would not want even your husband to know about.

User Detail :  

Name : Mawk, Gender : M, Race : White/Caucasian, Age : 29, City : Norwich, State : NA Country : United Kingdom, 

[Marlene]

How do you feel about it? Is your sex life healthy? If so, then I would just ask him about it in a very non-confrontational way. If your sex life isn't healthy, I think you need to get down to the bottom of things. I do not agree with the belief that you are 'not doing your job.' It is not your job to cater to someone's every whim or placate his abnormalities. I do think, however, that this is something you should talk about together and work on together. Maybe you can learn something new about him - maybe he is attracted to black women. You don't know - it could just be material he uses to masturbate, and what's wrong with that? Bottom line - talk to him before you make assumptions.

User Detail :  

Name : Marlene, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : White/Caucasian, Age : 24, City : Los Angeles, State : CA Country : United States, Social class : Middle class, 

[Jason]

I disagree with Ronald. 'Addicted to pornography' is a strong term. Sure, viewing porn is not the most virtuous way to spend one's time, but in most cases, it is not a sign of a sick or addicted mind. Many men are easily tempted to look at porn, especially on the Internet, where it is easily available, but most will look (sometimes for a while) and then forget about it. If a wife is not doing her job when her husband looks at porn, then there are millions of women out there who are failures as wives. Relax. It's not that big a deal. If you are truly concerned (and it sounds like you are), confront your husband. He will be embarrassed and will probably cut back. But he will continue to look at cyberporn - more carefully.

User Detail :  

Name : Jason, Gender : M, Religion : Baptist, Age : 27, City : Greenville, State : NC Country : United States, Occupation : communications, Education level : 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class, 

[Sharon28105]

I was attracted to my boyfriend because of the richness of his personality. That richness made him very erotic to me, too. I am very open-minded about sex and have never felt shocked or disgusted by any of my past or present partners' desires, no matter how unusual. However, my partner using porn makes me see him differently, as if he's not quite as rich as I thought he was, or as if there is a superficial part of his personality I hadn't anticipated and can't really respect. When I see him opt for such a fake reality, where women have no personality, depth or self and are diminished to the simple role of mobile sexual apparatus (the living version of a blow-up doll) - I question whether I got him right and also question how he views me, what he wants from me as a woman and what he values about women.

I would really appreciate men's views on this because I don't understand how such an intelligent, sensitive, complex and awake kind of man can pay himself, and me, so little real respect.

User Detail :  

Name : Sharon28105, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Agnostic, Age : 29, City : Edinburgh, State : NA Country : United Kingdom, Education level : 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class, 

[Kelly26571]

Porn isn't a problem as long as your husband still finds you sexy. It is merely fantasy. The black/white thing may just be his personal idea of fantasy. Don't worry about it. What might help the secrecy is to rent a hardcore video yourself and bring it home to watch together. Let him know if you are OK with it.

User Detail :  

Name : Kelly26571, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Christian, Age : 25, City : Des Monies, State : ID Country : United States, Occupation : Engineer, Education level : Over 4 Years of College, Social class : Upper class, 

[Raven]

I have a totally opposite opinion to Ronald V. I think pornography is perfectly healthy, for both men and women. I think private masturbation to pornography is just spending quality time with yourself. In the same way that some people will have a hot bath by candlelight or go for an aromatherapy massage, other people will look at porn. I don't think that anything you could possibly do for him would give the same result, and I think it is highly unlikely that he is going to run off with the next black babe who smiles at him. If it really worries you, then talk to him about it, but remember, it is VERY normal. You might even find it enjoyable to do some of your own net surfing!

User Detail :  

Name : Raven, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Gay, Age : 25, City : Edinburgh, State : NA Country : United Kingdom, 

[Andrew]

I fail to see the threat of pornography. No credible research has linked the viewing of it to violence, deviant behavior, divorce or anything sinister. A lot of politically motivated research has tried to make those links, but the conclusions are so pre-ordained in those studies that it's hard to take them seriously.

Sick behavior has roots far deeper than images on a piece of paper or screen. If your husband still treats you with respect and behaves the way you expect and want him to, I wouldn't be threatened by it.

User Detail :  

Name : Andrew, Race : White/Caucasian, Age : 35, City : Huntington, State : NY Country : United States, Occupation : Reporter, Education level : 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class, 

[Sheryl Sukdolak]

Men are visual beings. They like to look. I don't see the problem unless he's spending hours at a time looking. Does the fact that he's looking at white men with black women bother you, as though he's comparing these black women to you? I think it's more curiosity than anything else. Some men will pretend they think porn is bad simply to appease their wives. To decide about whether this is 'harmful,' think about these questions: Are the pictures of women in demeaning roles, as in being tied up and being whipped? Is he spending hours looking at the pictures while ignoring you? Do you consider your sex life adequate? Are the men and women of legal age? Have you talked to your husband about this bothering you? Open communication is a must, especially if this is something you just can't live with. I disagree that if someone looks at naked pictures online, there's something missing in the marriage; it could be that the wife isn't insecure and figures nothing online can be a threat. Unless the porn is becoming an obsession, it may have to be a Mars/Venus thing, in which men like to look and women are more into the emotions. Then again, there are women who like to look, also. Sometimes pornography is all in the eye of the beholder.

User Detail :  

Name : Sheryl Sukdolak, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : Black/African American, Religion : Catholic, Age : 39, City : Warner Robins, State : GA Country : United States, Occupation : school social services, Education level : Over 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class, 

[chris]

Sometimes as a man you want to have a little fantasy in your life. What's more fantastic than a white man having sex with black women? Long-term relationships are not always completely satisfying to each person ALL the time, and a woman is not responsible for keeping a man sexually happy ALL the time. That would be impossible. I like porn and I like to have sex with my woman. I think of them as two separate but related things. Certainly don't make your husband feel ashamed. Sometimes if I leave something out my girlfriend who make a joke at my expense but thats about it.

User Detail :  

Name : chris, Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Agnostic, Age : 25, City : Austin, State : TX Country : United States, Education level : 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class, 

[Marvellous Babalola]

I am a decent,handsome youngman of 30yrs old,An Administrator.A christian. I am looking for a female of between 24 to 30 yrs to be my wife. I will always care for her and love her. Marvellous

User Detail :  

Name : Marvellous Babalola, Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : Black/African American, Religion : Christian, Age : 31, City : Akure, State : IL Country : Nigeria, Occupation : Administrator, Education level : 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class, 

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