Disability/Challenges-related Questions 21-30

THE QUESTION:
D30: Why does it seem the Entertainment Industry has little interest in using closed captions for movies and television for the 30 million hearing-impaired, yet wants to make movies more enjoyable for the hearing public? There are non-intrusive ways to provide close captions (and descriptive captions for the visually impaired) for a film so it will not interfere with the hearing public.
POSTED NOV. 2, 1998
27, white male <doodah1@gate.net>, Apopka, FL
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THE QUESTION:
D29: I have a friend who is very obese and getting larger every year. We’re worried he’s going to go the way of the late John Candy. He’s only 26. How do we approach him about our concerns and fears without offending him? I used to be overweight myself, and the last thing I needed was someone telling me so because I knew it already. None of us want him to die or even come close to it.
POSTED OCT. 28, 1998
Worried, Detroit, MI

ANSWER 1:
My wife has the same problem. My words didn’t convince her. Neither did the doctor’s suggestion that she lose some weight. But when the doctor checked her blood pressure and told her that if she didn’t do something about it, and lose weight, she wouldn’t have that problem for long, my wife woke up. No, she hasn’t lost a lot. It is a slow descent of eating healthy. Diets won’t work. But a change in lifestyle will. Unfortunately, eating can be an emotional friend. Perhaps your friend has some real unmet emotional needs that you might be able to meet by listening and affirming him.
POSTED NOV. 2, 1998
A. Urban <draugas@mailcity.com>, Edmonton, Alberta, Canada

FURTHER NOTICE:
Losing weight is extremely difficult. It requires a complete lifestyle change that is very difficult to accomplish. I’ve managed to do it twice, but I gained it all back both times. My advice would be to subtly encourage him to exercise. Exercise is the easiest change to make, and if you manage to make a habit of it, changing your eating habits may not even be necessary. But of course, that depends on the habits of the individual person. In my case, it would have worked, if I had started to exercise more.
POSTED NOV. 13, 1998
Frej <frejvall@online.no>, Oslo Norway
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THE QUESTION:
D28: Why can’t an alcoholic stop drinking? My brother is killing himself with drinking and can’t see it or will not admit to it. It’s tearing us apart. I don’t think I can watch much more of it.
POSTED OCT. 8, 1998
Boozer, Painesville, OH
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THE QUESTION:
D27: To people who stutter: I was at Wal-Mart the other day, and the boy ringing me up at the register had a bad stuttering problem. They had to do a price check on one of my items, so I stood there waiting for about 10 minutes. During this time, I did not speak to the boy because I felt I would be putting pressure on him or making him nervous (I was nervous, too). He did not offer any conversation, either. Did I do the right thing, or is there something else I should have done?
POSTED OCT. 5, 1998
R.D., white female, Jacksonville, FL

ANSWER 1:
I am 25 and stutter. I don’t believe you should have done much different, unless something else came more naturally for you. It’s normally better for the stutterer, and the listener, for the listener to act normally, just as she would if the person didn’t stutter. Of course, you may have to try harder to listen to the stutterer through all the starts and stops and ums and ahs, with or without eye contact, so he wouldn’t have to repeat himself, which makes the stuttering worse and more embarrassing. When I found myself in those situations, I was embarrassed and really wished for a quick end. But when people just stood there and listened intently for as long as it took for me to speak, or spoke when they wanted to, or remained quiet when they didn’t feel like speaking, it made all the difference. It helped me get back to the feeling of normalcy, which actually helped eliminate the stuttering. My stuttering is worse when I consciously think about it, and when people make a big deal about the way I speak by becoming overly quiet or “scrunching up their faces” or filling in words, it makes me think about it more. Just talk, even when it may be uncomfortable, and eventually you and the stutterer will benefit.
POSTED OCT. 7, 1998
Issac B., 25, one who stutters, black male <ibailey@thesunnews.com>, Myrtle Beach, S.C.

FURTHER NOTICE:
I would say simply respond to the cashier as if he spoke “normally.” A smile or a kind word you would give anyone in that situation would be appreciated. I grew up with that problem, and although it’s gone now, I recall vividly the stares and giggles. And, yes, I worked in public places, too.
POSTED OCT. 7, 1998
Male, 39 <alan4433@lycosmail.com>, Atlanta, GA
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THE QUESTION:
D26: I am a “normal”-looking person who has a life-threatening, debilitating, painful illness. I often use my handicapped parking decal. Since I look so normal and healthy, people are very mean to me when they see me use the special parking spot. Why?
POSTED SEPT. 23, 1998
Kathy C., Newport News , VA

ANSWER 1:
As strange as it may sound, you should be grateful to those people. They’re trying to make sure you aren’t a robust, healthy person abusing the parking spaces that have specifically been set aside for those who need them. I realize you said you have a valid medical reason for using handicapped parking, but surely you don’t expect everyone who sees you use the spot to stop you and ask for a medical explanation of why you had a handicapped parking permit.
POSTED SEPT. 24, 1998
J. Storm, Salem, OR

FURTHER NOTICE:
I too am seemingly too young at 47 to need a handicapped parking place, but have had three leg surgeries and braces on my legs. People used to give me dirty looks when I pulled into the handicapped parking places till I took out my handicapped placard. You can’t depend on people to understand because you can be very disabled and not appear to be so. I ignore these people, and if they’re bold enough to comment on it, I simply explain to their satisfaction. We see many healthy people park in handicapped parking, and I can’t even find an empty one. It makes my angry and hurt that people are so selfish and inconsiderate of those of us who need them. As long as you display your handicapped placard, hold you chin up don’t be ashamed; there are many of us.
POSTED SEPT. 24, 1998
Handicapped too <ruthmcgill@ivillage.com>, Asheboro, N.C.

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
To answer fairly, I have to look back on my own responses to this type of situation before my brother became disabled. You know that old saying, seeing is believing? When driving my brother to the store in his wheelchair accessible van, I would park, jump out of the car – all young, healthy and full of vigor – and immediately feel eyes on me. Looking around, I saw dirty looks. It was not until I opened the side door and started lowering my brother’s chair lift that the looks stopped. What those people where thinking, as I once found myself thinking many times, was, “Hey! They are taking a spot that somebody else might need!” But they could not see that I needed it in order to have space to get my brother in and out of the van until I started to do so. People make judgments based on the information they have available, and in your case, all that is available to them is what they see. With advances in medicine and technology, people who would have at one time died or been rendered bed-ridden are now leading active lives. Unfortunately, education of the general population regarding this has not caught up yet. It will.
POSTED SEPT. 24, 1998
Kay H., Alpena, MI

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I think it’s because you “look” as though you have no disability. Similarly, people who have undiagnosed symptoms (but are constantly afflicted by them) are often not believed. For example, many people who suffer from depression are mislabeled as being lazy.
POSTED SEPT. 25, 1998
D. Nicholson, 34 , Seattle, WA

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
I wonder if it has to do with the idea that things like accessible parking spaces are provided as a “privilege,” and not a need. This, combined with an attitude that those who receive these “privileges” should be easily identifiable as deserving, may erroneously create suspicion. I have both visible and hidden aspects to my disability, and I sometimes feel there is suspicion when I claim a right to the “disability identity” and services based upon the invisible aspects of my disability (like fatigue, vision problems).
POSTED OCT. 13, 1998
C. Porter, 36, I have M.S. <cmp@akamail.com>, Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada
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THE QUESTION:
D25: I am 18 and lost my right leg about two years ago. There is no leg stump – just my body. I prefer to get around on crutches, and I hardly ever wear a prosthetic leg. My jeans and slacks are tailored to fit my hip – i.e. there is no right leg on them at all. I feel safer this way because there is no loose empty leg (even if it’s pinned up) to catch on things. I am perfectly comfortable like this, walking on forearm crutches. I am a fit, almost six-foot-tall male, slightly heavily built. My question is, What do people think when they see me out and about? I go to football matches, attend school, dance at a nightclub, ride a roller coaster, travel on public transport and lots of other things. I plan to visit the United States. Do people think I should try to look like ordinary people? Would they rather I wore a leg?
POSTED SEPT. 10, 1998
Justin, 18, male <justinl80@hotmail.com>, Sydney, Australia

ANSWER 1:
Speaking for myself, I know that I would be curious about what happened to your leg. Most people stare with wondering thoughts. Personally, it doesn’t bother me if someone is missing an arm or leg, and I don’t see why you should alter your appearance to “fit in.” People will like you for who you are.
POSTED SEPT. 11, 1998
Bud <superman@aol.com>, Tampa , FL

FURTHER NOTICE:
I’d say don’t try to conceal it. It sounds as though you have given thought to appearance as well as comfort and safety, and we need to be shown that the only difference between you and everyone else is that we’ve got an extra leg. I’ve been on crutches a few times and moved faster on them than on my own legs. I have a friend with prosthetic legs, and they’re cumbersome and clumsy to deal with. Some people you meet may feel uncomfortable, but your own attitude will be the final determinant.
POSTED SEPT. 11, 1998
Al, 59 <alarose@ncwc.edu>, Rocky Mount, NC

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
Justin, the most important thing to consider is your own comfort. If using the crutches with your pants tailored to fit as you like them allows you to be yourself, then do it! Will people look? Of course. Anyone who stands out of the norm will always be noticed, whether it’s alternative hairstyles or missing limbs. There is a middle-aged man in my neighborhood who has a prosthesis from mid-thigh. He has absolutely no limp and wears short pants. The first time I saw him, I looked. Now, I really don’t even notice. I saw a young man in a wheelchair “dancing” with the crowd one night at a hot dance club. He attracted attention, but more for his skill at balancing on just the main wheels while spinning and changing directions. Some would say he shouldn’t have been out there, but don’t count me in that group. Bottom line: It’s your body, and you have to be comfortable with yourself.
POSTED SEPT. 11, 1998
Mark B., 37, gay male <bentley@cyberramp.net>, Dallas, TX

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I think it depends on where you go. In San Francisco, I think most people would be curious about what happened, but generally everything here is built to be accessible to everyone. Just be yourself and don’t hold a slightly too-nosey question against anyone. A good personality, an enjoyment of life and an enthusiastic attitude are much more valuable, at least to my friends and me.
POSTED OCT. 8, 1998
Edith A., white, female, 32 <edith@sfindependent.com>, San Francisco, CA
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THE QUESTION:
D24: If you are being introduced to someone and they are unable to shake hands – they are missing their right hand or their right arm is paralyzed – do you wait to see if they offer their left hand, or should you leave it at a verbal greeting such as “Nice to meet you”?
POSTED SEPT. 4, 1998
Michael G., single male, Seattle, WA

ANSWER 1:
I have severe rheumatoid arthritis, and I find shaking hands often very painful. This isn’t just what you’ve asked, but it has a similar effect: I don’t offer my hand, and I know this disturbs some people, who are then unsure how to act. Twice, I have had others grab one of my hands to give it a shake. My advice? Don’t. I found the experience humiliating and frightening, and it left me (if you’ll excuse the pun) feeling badly shaken – aside from the pain. So let it go.
POSTED OCT. 5, 1998
S.L.S., 40, San Francisco, CA

FURTHER NOTICE:
I worked closely for eight years with a man whose right hand had been amputated just above the wrist in an industial accident 15 years earlier, so I had plenty of opportunity to see how he dealt with the “hand shaking” situation. By the way, he virtually never wore his prosthetic (the main exception being when we’d play pool). Also, he was by far the least-handicapped person you’d ever meet. Generally there were three scenarios: 1) Skipping shaking hands altogether. This was rare (because it’s such a rote ritual in our society or because people didn’t notice before they’d already held out their hand). The times I saw this happen I think he’d picked up a vibe that the other person was uncomfortable. 2) He’d always offer his left hand. The recipient would either likewise use his own left hand (which I always thought was kind of unnatural) – this let the hands “mesh” correctly; or 3) the recipient would use his right hand to shake the offered left hand – since this configuration doesn’t “mesh,” it generally resulted in more of a gentle finger lock (like train couplers). I preferred this latter approach since I thought it offered less of an unwanted “accommodation” for a handicap that I knew he didn’t treat as a handicap at all.
POSTED JAN. 4, 1999
Jeff E. 39, male, Redondo Beach, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
The habit of shaking hands is one I would be very happy to see disappear. It is not obvious that I have had joints replaced in my hands, but it can be very painful if someone uses even a medium grasp. I simply do not extend my hand for a handshake, but do I ever get some strange looks – especially if the other person puts out their hand. Sometimes it gets really tiresome having to explain, but I just keep on doing it. So please, if it looks as if someone is not going to shake hands, there’s probably a good reason. You’re right – a great smile and pleasant comment such as “It’s good to meet you” will do the trick just as well ,if not better.
POSTED FEB. 4, 1999
Regis <maeve@golden.net>, Cambridge, Ontario, Canada
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THE QUESTION:
D23: To people in wheelchairs: Is it appropriate for someone to ask if you need assistance? Is it patronizing for someone to ask you, “May I get the door for you?” I recognize that the answer will probably depend on the individual and the circumstance, but I’m hoping for some guidelines.
POSTED SEPT. 4, 1998
Kim S. <gibbon@asu.edu>, Tempe, AZ

ANSWER 1:
As a wheelchair user, I appreciate it tremendously when someone asks if I need assistance or offers their help. In fact, I find it terribly rude when someone obviously sees me struggling with something (such as opening a door, reaching objects in a store or going up a ramp) and either ignores me, or worse, stands there and stares without helping. In my opinion, asking if someone needs help is always the polite thing to do, wheelchair or not.
POSTED SEPT. 9, 1998
Patricia J., 40, wheelchair user <clotho@alaska.net>, Richmond, VA

FURTHER NOTICE:
There are three people in wheelchairs at my office. One will snap your head off if you offer help, and God forbid if you ever attempt to assist her in getting through a door. One woman appreciates any help you offer her, although she is very capable, has traveled on her own and lives alone. The third woman uses her wheelchair status to be dependent and as an excuse. This has really opened my eyes to the multiplicity of responses to “handicaps.” That said, I would never hesitate to offer my assistance to a stranger. The fact that someone else might view my act of kindness as “rudeness” is their problem, not mine.
POSTED SEPT. 23, 1998
Amy, 45 <amylf@aol.com>, Sarasota, FL

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
Offering to help would only be patronizing if it were done in a patronizing way or tone of voice. If someone asks me, and they talk to me like I’m a child or they pity me, it really makes me cringe. But if the request is by simply using good manners, then it’s often a relief, and I appreciate the help the same as you would if you had your arms full and couldn’t manage the door. Maybe I’m from another planet or something, but I don’t think good manners are ever inappopriate. Besides, if it’s any easy task that I can do myself, then I would very politely thank you and let you know that everything is OK. So keep up the awareness – you’re on the right track.
POSTED FEB. 4, 1999
Regis <maeve@golden.net>, Cambridge, Ontario, Canada
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THE QUESTION:
D22: What do deaf people think when you try to communicate with them in sign language? I learned the fingerspelling alphabet when I was younger and a few assorted signs, but I’m very slow. Do you appreciate the effort, or feel frustrated at the difficulty in communication? A deaf woman is a regular at one of my jobs, and I’d like her to feel comfortable.
POSTED AUG. 25, 1998
Isabelle, MI

ANSWER 1:
When I worked at a fast food restaurant, there was a deaf woman named “Lizzie” who used to come in sometimes. She would have her order written out, but for some reason, the cashiers would always act as if they couldn’t read it. No matter the cashier. So, one day, I got angry and came over to take the lady’s order myself (I always worked in the drive-thru). Her order was extremely neatly written, and there was no problem with the order. After taking her order about three times, I asked her if she would mind me signing to her (she could read lips). I also explained that I only knew the alphabet and wasn’t sure if I could “read” it. She was patient with me while I learned to “read” the alphabet, but happy with me all the same for just trying. Ask this person. I’m sure s/he will be happy that you try.
POSTED SEPT. 7, 1998
K.Y., 18, African American, female, Jackson, MS
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THE QUESTION:
D21: To deaf people: When someone noiselessly sneaks up on me and does so little as to tap me on the shoulder, it’s alarming. I imagine that if I lost my hearing, that sort of sudden fright would happen regularly. Or does it? Is it alarming to be suddenly tapped on the shoulder if you’re deaf?
POSTED AUG. 14, 1998
A.S., 34 <abalone@zerodefect.net>, Philadelphia, PA

ANSWER 1:
I became deaf when I was 21. I tend to startle very easily when people catch me unaware, especially if I am busy with something or concentrating. My wife, who has been deaf from an early age, and my son, deaf from an early age, do not seem to startle as often or as severely as me. But yes, it probably happens more often than for hearing people. That is also one reason deaf people try not to “sneak” up on each other. I teach and ask students to flash the office light before coming in to avoid this startle tendency. No, the flashing light does not usually startle, because it is a customary warning.
POSTED AUG. 18, 1998
J.D. Weber, 49 <y8d2k8wl@coastalnet.com>, Wilson, NC
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