[Barbara C.]

What are some factors/issues/beliefs that keep white women and black women from developing close relationships? To thosw who do have a close friendship with a woman of the opposite race, what, if any, were the obstacles you had to overcome? Do you discuss racism together? Do you consider this friend to be your ally? Does/would interracial dating affect your relationship or becoming friends with a white/black woman?

User Detail :  

Name : Barbara C., Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : New Age/Metaphysical, Age : 24, City : Portland, State : ME Country : United States, Occupation : Social Worker, Education level : Over 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class, 

[Sion]

I am African American and one of my closest friends is a Caucasian woman who comes from a wealthy family and is married to a wealthy man. Those are two things we don't have in common. We never talk about race. I think if she were black or I were white, we still wouldn't talk about it. We have so much in common that we never discuss our differences. We also learn from each other and take personal notes. I've learned more from our friendship about the real world than most of my same-race friendships. We even joke about things - like I'll say, 'I really need to tan.' We both laugh.

User Detail :  

Name : Sion, Gender : F, Race : Black/African American, Age : 26, City : Los Angeles, State : CA Country : United States, Occupation : writer, Education level : Over 4 Years of College, Social class : Upper class, 

[Angela]

I am African American (also Brazilian mixed), and one of my best friends before I left the states was white. It is possible for the two to become good close friends. We were co-workers, and the friendship grew from professional to personal (hanging out after work, etc.). The thing that made it honest was that neither one of us tried to be what we weren't. I didn't try to act white or assume I knew everything about their culture(s), and she did not try to act black or assume she knew all about black culture(s). Despite physical difference, women of different races can share the same types of experiences, joys and pains. I think fear and peer pressure keep both races from making more friendships with each other. Also, both of us were in interracial relationships, and we talked about them, too. It was great that I was able to really talk about black/white issues with someone who wouldn't be offended or touchy. We were real because our situations were real, and it was there that both of our educations began. I think it's always a good thing when you can learn and grow from sharing your experiences with other races/cultures. You may not end up being best buddies, but you will never regret putting your 'fear of the unknown' aside and taking a chance.

User Detail :  

Name : Angela, Gender : M, Race : Black/African American, Religion : Christian, Age : 30, City : Washington, State : DC Country : United States, Occupation : writer, Education level : 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class, 

[Tracy24867]

It has been my experience that most white women are very phony. They smile to your face, then talk about you like a dog when you're not around. I think most white people are scared of black people. They see us as violent, out-of-control robbers, burglars and boogey men. As a result, I think most white women pretend to be our friends to feel like they're 'out of harm's way,' so to speak. I've tried to be friends with white women before, but each time have been very disappointed, to the point that I don't even try anymore. They always ask me stupid, stereotypical questions about ghetto life. I am not from the ghetto. I grew up in middle-class neighborhoods. My parents have been happily married for 30 years, and we've never struggled a day in our lives. But most whites assume that because my skin is black, I must be from the ghetto. I have also had some white women who I thought were my friends make it clear that because they were white they were more attractive than I was and were somehow better than me. They never used those exact words, but it was clear what they meant. They would sometimes make rude comments about the darkness of another black person's skin right in front of me. Then when I would confront them about it, they would tell me I was being hypersensitive. These are the same white girls who would make it a point to date black men. When I would ask them why they chose to date black men, 100 percent of the time the answer would be because black men had bigger penises and were better in bed. When I asked if that was the only reason, most would pause for a moment, then laugh and say yes. What a sad and shallow reason for dating someone.

There are many other reasons I don't trust white women, but it would take the next three days to type them. I find most white women to be lying, two-faced, phony, manipulative, egotistical and patronizing. I could never completely trust and feel comfortable with white people in general because of my experiences with them.

I don't write these things to be hurtful toward anyone, but this is how I feel, and I don't think I should have to sugarcoat my feelings for anyone. As long as white women walk around with their fake plastic smiles on their faces, there will always be someone like me who can see through it and recognize you for what most of you really are.

User Detail :  

Name : Tracy24867, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : Black/African American, Age : 22, City : Absecon, State : NJ Country : United States, Education level : 2 Years of College, 

[justin26869]

because whites and blacks grow up segregated in separate communities and don't have the opportunity to begin relating to one another untill after college, for the most part, by which time they've pretty much formed their opinions of one another. i don't know, this may be too simple and direct an answer to allow room for sniping and pettiness...

User Detail :  

Name : justin26869, Gender : M, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Atheist, City : chicago, State : IL Country : United States, Education level : 2 Years of College, Social class : Lower middle class, 

[Lynn22517]

Hey Tracy. I am a white woman. My best friend in the world is a black male. I love him as a friend completely, and want only the best in life for him. I would never lie to him or be phony with him. You are feeding into and perpetuating sterotypes and generalizations that are not always true.

User Detail :  

Name : Lynn22517, City : Gainesville, State : FL Country : United States, 

[Redeemed-One30115]

I've had several close relationships with white women. The first was my roommate when I was is the Air Force, from Basic Training until I was assigned overseas. She was from Minnesota and very openly stated there were no blacks where she came from. We called ourselves twins because we had so much in common (we shared the same birthday, our parents were married in the same month of the same year, we were both dating guys with the same name when we entered the Air Force). One year we flew to her parents' farm in Minnesota for Thanksgiving. That Christmas, she accompanied me to Philadelphia to spend the holidays with my family. We were very close. Right now I have a white friend who I love dearly. The main thing we have in common is our salvation in Jesus Christ, so we never run out of things to talk about. I love her like a sister. There's no phoniness, and we can talk about anything together. I feel close enough to her to ask her to be one of my attendants if I were to ever remarry. It's very possible for black and white women to become and stay fast and true friends.

User Detail :  

Name : Redeemed-One30115, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : Black/African American, Religion : Baptist, Age : 52, City : Newport News, State : VA Country : United States, Education level : 4 Years of College, 

[Julia27016]

Not to ignore the inital question, but after reading the previous post, I was shocked. That is one person's experience, and unfortunately classless people aren't race-exclusive. I found that the last post by Tracy was vehementally racist. Does it make it an allowable post because white women are not a minority? What if it were a post entirely by a white girl who hated, distrusted and name-called black women? And Tracy, I wouldn't worry, with a nasty attitude like that, I doubt many people will be smiling at you.

User Detail :  

Name : Julia27016, Gender : F, City : Arlington, State : VA Country : United States, 

[Tnt]

I remember when I was in high school, I had two black girlfriends that I always hung out with and everyone called us the oreo cookie and I was the cream in the middle, because I was the only white girl in our group. It never bothered me, should it have? Who says that white and black women don't develop close relationships, that is a biased opinion, based on very little fact.

User Detail :  

Name : Tnt, Gender : F, City : Lindsay, State : FL Country : United States, Education level : 2 Years of College, 

[Dot]

It is clear to me that you are facing something as old as the hills: typical racism. The white women you talked about could be dealing with their own insecurities with themselves, so for them to feel that they have some worth, they put others down.

I was raised on a small farm, so bear with me on this little analogy: The littlest chicken always used to get pecked at the most by the other chickens. He was the one that was most 'different.' The others would peck his tail feathers until he bled. It seems as if society is just a bunch of chickens trying to -up everyone else. We try to 'look' important, when all of the time we're just jealous of everyone else. One reason those women could be acting the way they are is that your difference is easy to see.

Racism has been taught to white folks for generations. It's not unusual for you to see this behavior in white women. We were raised to act like this. There aren't many white people who 'get' this.

I was going to respond to the other reply, but then I thought, naw. It would be pointless. You're not missing anything, hon. You've hit it on the nose. So instead of looking at us white folks as being all in the same club, think about that again. We're not. We don't really have a group committment to each other. We're all just trying to look out for No. 1. Try to understand that we've been raised to be racist. That is all we know how to be, until we learn differently. Many of us haven't looked at life from a person of color's view. We don't want to; it's too painful. We see your pride, and it threatens us. So we have to somehow find a pride of our own, but it can never be genuine enough for us. Most of us don't really know what our pride looks like. So we keep putting Band-Aids over our own hurts. The healing comes when we reclaim our own spirit, not by trying to break someone else's. So remember that next time you feel pain from a white person. It's about them, not you, sweetie.

User Detail :  

Name : Dot, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Bisexual, Race : Native American/Caucasion, Religion : Humanist, Age : 33, City : Peru, State : ME Country : United States, Occupation : Social Work/student, Education level : Over 4 Years of College, Social class : Upper middle class, 

[Beth23205]

It has to do with availability. I had African-American friends in grade school and high school, but since then, unfortunately, I've lived in places that are pretty white (Montana and Colorado). I didn't talk about race relations with those friends because it wasn't an issue. We're moving to Alabama in a couple of weeks, so hopefully this will change (the friendships, not the talks about race relations). Not that I want some token friendship to prove I'm some kind of anti-racist, mini-United Nations goober. After more than eight years, I just miss color.

User Detail :  

Name : Beth23205, Gender : F, Race : White/Caucasian, Age : 31, City : Colorado Springs, State : CO Country : United States, Education level : 4 Years of College, 

[Jennifer30877]

I have many white friends (as well as friends of other races), mostly the result of having attended predominantly white schools. Thus, I have had many opportunities to spend time with and befriend people of other races. However, I have heard other young black people, particularly those who attended predominantly black schools (and therefore grew up almost entirely with other black people), say that they do not go out of their way to make friends with white people because they assume they do not have much in common with them. That is, they assume white people have different backgrounds and upbringings, prefer different music, hobbies, TV shows, movies, clothes, foods, books, causes and so forth, and therefore they would have nothing to talk about, and neither would understand where the other was 'coming from.' Whether this is a correct assumption is a different conversation.

User Detail :  

Name : Jennifer30877, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : Black/African American, Age : 25, City : Washington, State : DC Country : United States, Occupation : Editor, Education level : Over 4 Years of College, Social class : Upper middle class, 

[maria22227]

While in college my two closest friends were white. The criteria that each met was that they were open minded and because of that they made me comfortable. We talked about racial differences openly, visited each other's homes, met one another's family - with varying results. For me, a white person who is unafraid to discuss race or ask sensitive questions in a sincere way - much like in yforum - is essential and enables people to get beyond differences. Conversely, when i entered the corporate work arena, I met a nice woman and we tried to be friends but she didn't make me comfortable. It bothered me that she never used the word 'black'. Maybe it was me, but i believed her to be condescending toward me yet admiring of my attributes. For me, I just never felt comfortable with her because I don't think she was truly comfortable with me. I regret that it didn't work out though. The bottom line is that a mutual feeling of acceptance helps us overcome obstacles. Hope this helps.

User Detail :  

Name : maria22227, Gender : F, Race : Black/African American, City : atlanta, State : GA Country : United States, Education level : 4 Years of College, 

[gloria]

Tracey, you are absolutely right in your experiences with some white women. I grew up in Wisconsin, went to predominantly white schools and was in a predominantly white women's profession (nursing), and I found white women to be exactly as you described. I found the ones I came in contact with to be jealous, backstabbing and liars. Also, they felt superior to black women but wanted black men. It's about time someone told the truth about them.

User Detail :  

Name : gloria, Gender : F, Race : Black/African American, Religion : Christian, City : Atlanta, State : GA Country : United States, Education level : 2 Years of College, Social class : Middle class, 

[David Williams]

Thank you for respecting Tracy's dignity. It says something good about you.

User Detail :  

Name : David Williams, Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : Black Caribbean/British, Religion : Christian, Age : 44, City : London, State : NA Country : United Kingdom, Occupation : trainer, Education level : 2 Years of College, Social class : Lower middle class, 

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