[Charlotte32294]

A month ago, while my husband was out of town, I ran across and read several pages of his diary. He details some very graphic sexual encounters he had with women immediately before we began dating about five years ago. I feel ashamed to have violated his trust by reading this material, but I was shocked and can't get what he wrote out of my mind. I don't do the things in bed he obviously wants and enjoyed with these women, and I wouldn't feel comfortable with most of it (mostly oral sex and being tied up). I've always thought I pleased him but now I do not know. Should I tell him that I've violated his trust? Do I have a right to feel upset that he shared such intense intimacy with other women, even though it was before we met? Do I need to do those things in bed to make my husband happy? I would like to hear from men and women who have some experience in this. Thank you for helping me.

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Name : Charlotte32294, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Christian, Age : 31, City : Jacksonville, State : FL Country : United States, Occupation : Sales clerk, Education level : 2 Years of College, Social class : Middle class, 

[t27528]

to start with the most urgent: no, you should not tell him you read his diary secretly. losing his trust is something you do not want to happen. neither should you feel upset at what happened apparently before you met. people do change, and it does not necessarily follow that you do not please your husband _now_ because he enjoyed other things _then._ personally, i think you have a right to choose what you want to be comfortable with - and he married you and none of the other partners, which if anything indicates his ultimate preferences.

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Name : t27528, Gender : F, Age : 34, City : munich, State : NA Country : Germany, Education level : Over 4 Years of College, Social class : Upper middle class, 

[Taz]

Your husband may be testing you to see if you're reading his diary. He may have written that with the hopes you would read it. He may be anxious to try those positions with you, but was afraid to put you on the spot, so he wrote them in his diary hoping to give you ideas to spice up your sex life. He may have written a lot of ideas, hoping you might like one or two of them, and would want to give them a try. Most guys will brag to their friends about previous wild or kinky sex partners, but very rarely does a married man write that stuff down in a diary where he knows his wife is bound to see it. It doesn't make sense to write that in a diary with the intention of no one else reading it. Most guys are fully aware that their wives read their diary/journal when they're not around. I say don't worry about it. If you like any of the positions he wrote about, suggest them to him, saying you read about it in a magazine or heard about it from a friend. Just remember that you are the one he married, not them.

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Name : Taz, Gender : M, Age : 32, City : Detroit, State : MI Country : United States, Social class : Middle class, 

[Jason31232]

Why won't you give him oral sex? He is your husband - the only person you're (presumably) going to be sexual with for the rest of your life. Do you think he wants to go the rest of his life without a bl** job? That is hardly an 'exotic' sex act and certainly nothing to be afraid of. I don't mean to sound sarcastic or rude, but to answer your question directly, YES, you need to do exciting and new things in bed to make him happy. You don't need to submit to bondage, but give the guy oral once in a while! I do think you violated his trust and he will be upset by this, so that won't set the stage for a fruitful conversation about how you aren't pleasing him in bed. I would just start being a little more adventurous in bed and forget you ever opened his diary. His past is exactly that - his past.

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[Wayne24385]

Lets tackle the ethical dilemma first.. I'd say, in this case, not to tell him. You may have enough other problems to solve without adding his 'punishing' you for violating his trust. Just don't do it again. Or if you do tell him, don't tell him right now. Right now, work on the other issues. Do you have a right to feel upset that he had such intimacy before you met? Absolutely not. If he was still dating them, yes. But since those relationships (at least the sexual parts) are over, no. Do you need to do those things to make him happy? Very likely. He may not say so because he loves you and wants you to be happy, satisfied and to feel comfortable. But take it from a man: he will not really be satisfied sexually. This does not mean he will 'stray.' But it can cause it to cross his mind. A lot. I know, I've been there. And I didnt 'stray,' but it did cross my mind. A lot. You might want to consider counselling. Discover the roots of your inhibitions against oral sex and a little (not necessarily a lot of ) gameplay. I'm sure that if he wants to receive oral sex he has no inhibitions against giving it. Start slowly, so that you both feel comfortable about adding new dimensions to you intimate life. You might be pleasantly surprised.

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Name : Wayne24385, Gender : M, Race : Black/African American, Age : 43, City : Parsippany, State : NJ Country : United States, Occupation : marketing, Education level : Over 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class, 

[Jennifer]

You shouldn't have looked in his things; if it was turned around, you would be furious. I would not tell him. But if you feel you are not pleasing him; one night use a tie or stocking to tie him up to the bedpost. Don't explain anything, just do it. Then blindfold him and have a fantasy. Believe me, you'll find pleasure in it, too - without the bondage and whipping-type rough sex. Try it! And if he didn't love you for who you are and what type of sex you have now, you wouldn't be married to him.

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Name : Jennifer, Gender : F, Age : 21, City : n/a, State : NC Country : United States, 

[Don]

If you have not tried what you listed, why not let him go down on you (or you on him.) I personally love to go down but have found some women feel a little unconfortable with it, at first. However, once they let go of the fear (taboo? control?) they really like being pleased and pleasing their partner. I believe you do not have the right to feel upset about what happened before you came along. It is unrealistic to stress over anything prior to you entering into his life. Why not be upset over who he first slept with? I would not tell him about the violation of trust, and I would not do it again. Maybe tell him later after you have tried this stuff out. I don't think you NEED to do these things, but why not try? The tying-up thing is a matter of trust and giving up control. It is not easy for most people.

Most of this stuff is about control and letting go of your and his hang-ups. We all have some hang-ups. What led you to look into his diary? A trust issue, or curiosity? I would love to hear more about this, as I have some trust issues that recently came up.

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[Irene]

Although I have had no similar experiences, I do think you should have a talk with your husband. Don't tell him you read his diary; I see no point in that. Just tell him you would like to know if there are any new sexual activities that he would like to try. I truly believe that if you both open up, it could only improve your sex life and enjoyment of each other.

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Name : Irene, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : White/Caucasian, Age : 31, City : New York, State : NY Country : United States, Education level : 4 Years of College, 

[Anonymous23689]

He doesn't need to know you violated his trust. Just don't do it again. God already knows you're sorry, and that's the only one who counts. So just let go of any guilt you feel. And stop comparing yourself to other people. He married you. End of story. Now, over the next few days or weeks, when you're cuddling and feeling romantic, just casually ask if there's anything you two might try to give each other more pleasure. If he says no, leave it alone, but bring it up a few weeks or so later. Don't spring it on him all at once, or he'll know something's up. Eventually he might be comfortable enough to tell you he'd like to try some of the things you read about in his diary. Now, I personally wouldn't be comfortable with the tying up stuff but if he mentions it, you could say seductively, 'Hmm. Honey, that's just a little too far out for me, but maybe there's something else we could try?' BTW, why don't you feel comfortable about oral sex? It's normal, and you don't have to swallow. Just make sure it's clean before you put it in your mouth (or your second mouth as well). I'm not going to give you a lesson on felatio here, but just pretend it's a big old lollypop in your favorite flavor and you're just exploring all the ways you can enjoy it. Keep your teeth out of the way.

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[LP]

I second everyone else's advice not to tell your husband that you read his diary (unless you're prepared to do the things he wrote about, in which case he'll forgive you). But think about why you don't want to do the things he wrote about. Obviously what you do is up to you, and nobody should pressure you to do something you don't want to do. But if you spend a little time thinking about _why_ you feel the way you do, you may find that the reasons, when thought about by 'the light of day,' may be minor enough that it's more important to make your husband happy, and perhaps you'll enjoy it too. For example, all kids seem to be taught that their 'pee parts' are dirty, but plenty of people enjoy oral sex when they grow up, and not enjoying that because of something you were taught in a very different context as a child seems a little silly if you think about it. My wife and I have certainly found that we enjoy things now that, for many years, we didn't even consider trying, and that the reality was quite different from our pre-conceptions. And in case you're worried about going 'too far' -- IMO the important thing about these sorts of things is the symbolism, not the details. For example, you don't need to go into full bondage gear -- simply holding his wrists so that he can't move may be enough for him to get a kick out of the game.

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[antics]

Yes, you do need to do those things to make your husband happy. They are not freakish fetishes, like he is asking you to pee on him or have sex with dogs; they're normal sexual activity. He married you because you're the best women he's ever met, so you should try to be better in every way than every other woman he's been with, as should he try to be the same for you. And don't feel upset about the other women - he married you, not them.

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Name : antics, Gender : M, Race : Asian, Age : 25, City : Mountain View, State : CA Country : United States, Education level : 4 Years of College, Social class : Upper middle class, 

[Kevin26332]

Secrets are a poor foundation to build a marriage on. You should tell him. He'll probably be furious, but he'll get over it. Also, you should tell him at the proper time - which would quite likely be after a little one-on-one time, if you know what I mean. In terms of whether you should do some of those things, I'd say yes. You really don't want your man wandering around out there spending more time thinking about the great times he had before compared to the good times he has with you. (How would you feel if you had to go around with your belly half-full all the time, as if you were allowed to eat your favorite foods, but never allowed to eat as much as you want?) That doesn't mean you have to leap right into the deep end of the pool. You can probably start slow, maybe blindfolding him the next time you make love, or letting him blindfold you. Giving him oral sex will probably go a long way towards increasing his pleasure; for a lot of guys no oral sex is a deal-breaker, like being told that you can never eat your favorite meal or dessert again as long as you live (I know: the food analogies are omnipresent, but they get the job done). I'm not saying you'll lose him if you don't, but you don't want him walking around so hungry for it that the first tramp who's willing to get on her knees has a shot at taking him away from you.

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[Sydney Stein]

I've read what you wrote and how seven people responded, and I think the real issue has been missed. The real issue is your being quite insecure. You don't trust your husband (insecure) or you wouldn't have had to sneak a peak in his diary. You are paranoid & worried over what he did sexually with women in the past---but he didn't marry them, he married you. Obviously you don't have open & honest communication with each other, another sign of insecurity on one or both sides. Blow him or don't blow him, just get some help in working through your insecurity. If you don't feel comfortable with the person you see in the mirror then how can you expect your husband to be completely comfortable with you?? Good luck!!

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Name : Sydney Stein, Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Gay, Disability : Chronic headaches, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Unity School of Christianity, Age : 47, City : Denver, State : CO Country : United States, Occupation : Canine Masseuse, Education level : Over 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class, 

[Mike20618]

First, do not tell him now. Maybe after you are properly pleasing him, it would be a better time, if you still feel the need. Second, realize that you have a serious hang-up if you are not willing to engage in oral sex. Sexual adventure is needed in a successful relationship with your husband. He has been exposed to it and enjoyed it. He will long for it with others, if you cannot share it with him.

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Name : Mike20618, Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Catholic, Age : 43, City : Westport, State : CT Country : United States, Occupation : Physician, Education level : Over 4 Years of College, 

[Just-another-guy27056]

I am married to a woman who isnt into the same things sexually that I am. I love her, and I look forward to spending the rest of my life with her, but my eye definitely wanders lots. I am very sexually frustrated. Fortunately its the only part of our marriage where there are any problems, but unfortunately its a problem. You should attempt to relax your sexual attitudes a bit for your husband. You might find that once you get past these hangups, you will enjoy yourself as well!

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Name : Just-another-guy27056, Gender : M, Age : 28, City : Tokyo, State : NA Country : Japan, 

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