[Irene]

I've recently befriended a lesbian colleague. We have become very close, and I found myself thinking about her romantically. The thing is, I have always thought of myself as straight. I told her of my feelings, but she admitted she wasn't attracted to me whatsoever. The thing I find so confusing is that I know she likes me a lot, and even told me once that she thinks I look good. So the problem is not my looks, evidently, and not my personality, either, since we get along so well. So, I felt extremely hurt that she could not feel the same about me. Because I'm so confused about my sexual orientation right now, I can only guess how it is for gays. How can they differentiate between a friend and a potentail lover? Can a relationship that starts out as a friendship evolve to more than that? I know this colleague has several lesbian friends with whom she hasn't been sexually involved. I've often wondered how she manages to draw the line. I mean, she loves her friends, but each might be a potential lover. So how can it be that sex hasn't got in the way? I'd appreciate it if lesbians would share some of their similar experiences.

User Detail :  

Name : Irene, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Still not sure of sexual orientation, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Jewish, Age : 28, City : New York, State : NY Country : United States, Education level : 4 Years of College, 

[Nancy]

I went through a similar situation when I came out. I discovered I was a lesbian when I was 19 and met a lesbian in college. I had previously dated guys. I fell into a sort of puppy-love with her; I then went through years of self-doubt, analysis and experimentation, dating both men and women. I think this may be why your friend isn't interested in you as a lover. Many lesbians I know have 'rules' about whom they will and will not date, such as: 1. Never date bisexual women. 2. Never date a woman who has never had sex with another woman before. 3. Never date a woman who has never had sex with a man before. (!) The rules help us avoid going through what you're going through right now, over and over again.

As far as how we can tell who our friends are, well - have you ever been friends with a man who was totally off-limits to you as a potential lover? (a brother-in-law, former fiance of your best friend, gay male, a member of your group of close friends?) Some lesbians 'draw the line' that way - don't date the ex-es of friends, don't date people involved in a relationship, don't date people in your gardening club, whatever. For me, other lesbians are potential friends, but not potential lovers. Then one day, something happens, and one may become a lover. Who can explain mutual attraction? Nobody knows what makes it occur. It might be a little like the way we decided someone was our 'best friend' in grade school, as opposed to just a friend. Good luck - I know this can be a difficult time. We all go through it, though, as far as I know.

User Detail :  

Name : Nancy, Gender : F, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Episcopalian, Age : 35, City : Atlanta, State : GA Country : United States, Occupation : education, Education level : 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class, 

[Kerry]

Just because a person is the 'right' gender does not mean they are a potential lover. A straight girl doesn't fall all over herself just because it's a guy she's friends with, and lesbians are no different. Sure they look good, sure you like them, but you just don't want sex with them. I think this is a problem with any minority group, because it is so hard to find someone of that group that when you do, you *have* to find out if you can date them. On meeting a lesbian, or a bisexual woman, I feel a pull to date them, because they *might* be 'the one'. Not because she's cute, or a good person, or I like her, but simply because she's another lesbian. I think that's a pretty dumb reason for me to ask them out.

User Detail :  

Name : Kerry, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Bisexual, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Pagan, Age : 29, City : Ventura, State : CA Country : United States, Education level : 4 Years of College, Social class : Upper middle class, 

[Candice]

I believe that it doesn't matter if you are gay or not. I think that straight people have the same issues of being friends or lovers with their friends. I had a best friend all through high school and college that was of the opposite sex. After about six months, he confessed that he had serious feelings for me. At that point, I had to decide if this relationship could go further as lovers, or should stay as friends. I chose the friendship, not because he wasn't good looking or a great guy, but because my need for his friendship, and my inability to deal with the idea that we could lose this friendship. We became very close and even endured being miles apart at many times. The hardest thing about this chose was that I had to live with the fact that he had every right to move on and be happy with some other girl, and he did. Maybe your co-worker is feeling the same issues. She may also not want the responsability of being your first.

User Detail :  

Name : Candice, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Presbyterian, Age : 24, City : Las Vegas, State : NV Country : United States, Occupation : cocktail waitress, Education level : 2 Years of College, 

[Craig31882]

I'm gay, not a lesbian, but I'm going to make a comment anyway. You are 28 and have been to college for four years, and always thought of yourself as straight. In all that time, have you never had a male friend? Can you differentiate between who you would want as a boyfriend and guys you like a lot but have no romantic feelings for, and befriend? So, why do you act so surprised when someone says, 'You're a nice guy, but...' Lesbians aren't as different as you want to believe.

User Detail :  

Name : Craig31882, Sexual Orientation : Gay, Race : White/Caucasian, Age : 37, City : Minneapolis, State : MN Country : United States, Occupation : Information Systems, Education level : 4 Years of College, 

[Jo]

I can only speak as a straight female, but I can understand your colleague's position. I have many male friends in whom I have no sexual interest, even though they are attractive and we get along very well. I also love my male friends but don't consider each of them a potential lover. I would have to conclude that a lesbian would differentiate between a friend and a potential lover the same as a straight women would make the same distinction about someone of the opposite sex. Why not just enjoy your friendship with this woman without worrying about sex, the same as I enjoy my friendships with my male friends without worrying about sex?

User Detail :  

Name : Jo, Gender : F, Age : 53, City : Ft. Wayne, State : IN Country : United States, Occupation : Information Technology, Education level : 2 Years of College, Social class : Middle class, 

[AW]

First, just because a woman is attractive doesn't mean that someone else is attracted to her in the sexual sense. And just because someone is attracted to members of the same sex doesn't mean he/she wants to bed everyone within that sex who is attractive. Surely you have male friends who are handsome and nice but whom you don't want to sleep with. The same holds true for lesbians and gays. Sexual attraction is a personal thing - either you feel it or you don't. While objective good looks are a good start, at the end of the day, the most beautiful woman or man may not 'do it' for me. As for why your friend may not be interested in you, most lesbian women have no interest in being experimented with women by who aren't clear about their preference. The gay lifestyle is hard enough - why get emotionally and sexually involved with someone who might just be curious?

User Detail :  

Name : AW, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Mostly straight, Race : Black/African American, Age : 32, City : Seattle, State : WA Country : United States, Education level : Over 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class, 

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