[Jean]

As a rule, I don't go around telling people that I am gay. I keep a picture of my galpal on my desk at work, and I talk about us, what we did over the weekend, etc., openly, and I let people connect the dots themselves. However, since she has a name that could also be a man's name, sometimes people get confused and I have to say, 'She's a woman and we're gay.' Almost every time this happens, straight people have the same response: 'That's OK' or 'I don't mind' or 'It doesn't bother me.' Why do straight people feel the need to tell me it's 'OK' that I'm gay? If I said I was Catholic or Portugese, I don't think they would reassure me my religion or national origin didn't bother them. How come no one ever just says, 'Oh' or 'I see' or 'That's nice.'? I mean, it's not like I'm confessing a deep, dark secret and hoping that I'll still be accepted.

User Detail :  

Name : Jean, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Lesbian, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Agnostic, Age : 38, City : Orange County, State : CA Country : United States, Occupation : Computers, Education level : 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class, 

[Doug25632]

It's possible that people are reacting to your statement in a way they feel is non-confrontational. I know how you feel, and that's probably your standard answer to explain misconceptions, but it could - emphasis could - be construed as an angry statement, almost like 'We're GAY. What're you gonna do about it?'. But it also affords you a great opportunity to figure people out. Try playing with your response: when they say 'he' about your partner, keep correcting them with 'she' until they get it. Maybe softening or changing your statement will change their responses.

I love to play with people like this, to discover their reactions. My favorite are telemarketers who ask for my partner's wife. In my deepest basso voice I respond, 'I AM his wife. We're a gay couple.' Dead silence on the other end.

User Detail :  

Name : Doug25632, Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Gay, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : New Age/Metaphysical, Age : 40, City : Phoenix, State : AZ Country : United States, Occupation : Administrator, Education level : 2 Years of College, Social class : Middle class, 

[Emma25394]

These people are trying - although clearly without much panache - to tell you that they're not like the homophobes you've probably had to deal with in your life. While their delivery might lack diplomacy, their intentions are good.

User Detail :  

Name : Emma25394, Gender : F, City : Los Angeles, State : CA Country : United States, 

[Cheryl K.]

A lot of people are very confused about how to react to gay people because they get so many different messages about how they should see it. The media and pop culture tell them that it's all good, but then they have the extreme Christians telling them it's a horrible thing. We are such a God-based country that we feel guilty no matter what our view. My solution was to give the lifestyle a try. Now my view is that people are people. Dating women was identical to dating men.

User Detail :  

Name : Cheryl K., Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Bisexual, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Christian, Age : 29, City : San Diego, State : CA Country : United States, Occupation : homemaker, Education level : 2 Years of College, Social class : Upper middle class, 

[Jane20953]

As a gay woman with a partner named Chris, I understand your frustration. My understanding of this type of response is that it is a knee-jerk reaction, albeit a kind one, to the fact that they think we think they may freak out on us 'now that they know.' In other words, they are reassuring us that 'it's OK' with them because lots of people we tell might be immediately angry, disgusted or even violent in their reactions (gay-bashing). They're letting us know that they are not that kind of prejudiced, biased person.

If you could stand some advice, I would respond with something kind, like: 'Thanks. I think so, too.' Or even avoid pointing it out, but use 'she' a lot in the next few sentences before they can assume you're talking about a guy. They'll get it, and you won't put them in the position of having to reassure you at all.

User Detail :  

Name : Jane20953, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Lesbian, City : Morton, State : IL Country : United States, Occupation : teacher, Education level : 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class, 

[JerryS]

Because there is still prejudice against gays, people who are not prejudiced feel they need to state their position - lest they be suspected of being prejudiced.

User Detail :  

Name : JerryS, Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Jewish, Age : 52, City : New Britain, State : CT Country : United States, Education level : 4 Years of College, Social class : Upper middle class, 

[Eric25206]

Sometimes you meet people who wear their orientation on their sleeve, and sometimes you meet people who wear their amazing capacity for tolerance on their sleeve. Sometimes people can go so overboard in showing their tolerance that it makes you want to throw up, but it's better than the alternative.

User Detail :  

Name : Eric25206, Gender : M, City : Honolulu, State : HI Country : United States, 

[Nelson-A20171]

I hate to break it to you, but to the mainsteam world (not only America), homosexuality is not 'nice.' They wouldn't want their kids growing up to be gay. What happens is that people assume you know this, and that's why they give you some reassurance, thinking they will make you feel 'accepted' (they appreciate you). It's great that you don't give thought to your gayness (you just live it). That's fantastic, but get real. The gay movement has come a long way, but it still has a long way to go before gays are seen as, say, Catholics or Portuguese. So when people say 'it's OK,' understand that they know that you know that being gay is something not accepted by the mainstream world as yet.

User Detail :  

Name : Nelson-A20171, Gender : M, Race : Hispanic/Latino (may be any race), Age : 33, City : Caracas, State : NA Country : Venezuela, Occupation : Lawyer/Educator, Education level : Over 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class, 

[Jessica]

My typical response is 'oh, OK.' I'm bisexual and have no problem with any sexual orientation that doesn't involve children or other species. However, the reason people are stuck in the notion that they have to reassure you that it is 'OK' with them that you're gay is that often their experience dictates that they must do this. For example, one of my best friends is a lesbian. My husband (who is extremely nosy) asked her if she was bisexual, and she replied, 'No, even worse.' Even worse? She's used to getting criticized by people for her sexuality, and people like us see that, and feel the need in future circumstances to assure people that we are not the criticizers.

User Detail :  

Name : Jessica, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Bisexual, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Agnostic, Age : 23, City : Huntsville, State : TX Country : United States, Occupation : Student, Education level : 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class, 

[Alma31460]

From my experience, what you're talking about has to do with the other person being uncomfortable about the subject and trying to be polite. I'm a 50-year-old completely out lesbian who works on the largest military installation in the United States. For about 10 years after I came out, (and I mean tore the door off the closet) I got this response. For a while, I tended to be a little defensive, until I figured out that a whole lot of people simply did not know how to respond to my casually mentioning my spouse, or describing our lives, and this was their way of saying, 'uh,um, really I don't know what to say.' As I spent more time working with these folks on a day-to-day basis, they figured out that it was OK to integrate me into their daily work relationships; including conversations where we agreed to disagree. Now, mind you, you will always have the knothead that wants you to feel like a leper. But, I've found that; for the most part, when I practice the golden rule, my coworkers get their hackles up when someone tries to harrass me about my sexual orientation. And, guess what, most of my coworkers are soldiers. Both my partner of 20 years and I have the reputation of being 'mother hens' in our workplaces. It has taken time, but most people we know look at us as just another diverse part of the work force. Will we ever be free of harrassment? I doubt it. But I've been working with soldiers for 20 years and wouldn't dream of doing anything else; especially at this moment. You may not realize it, but, in some manner, whenever you mention your spouse to someone for the first time, you are 'coming out' again. And coming out is like biting into aluminum foil; it leaves a lasting impression. You are actually a teacher for a sensitve and uncomfortable subject for many. For the most part (except for the knotheads) treating people as you would like to be treated will go a long way toward those around you learning and practicing tolerance. Kudos to you for being up front and direct; it takes courage.

User Detail :  

Name : Alma31460, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Lesbian, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Methodist, Age : 50, City : Kempner, State : TX Country : United States, Occupation : government contract worker, Education level : 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class, 

[Robb Wharton]

In this situation, what I have felt is that I already know, or think I know, a co-worker and already have built up a level of respect, trust, dependence and the ike for that individual. I am now told something that is pretty personal, and a somewhat touchy subject in the workplace. Not to say that you should not bring up the topic. It is your right.

But what happens in the mind of the receiver is fear. Fear that we are going to say something stupid. We often do. You obviously experienced that. Fear that we might look or act around you differently, even though deep down we know how absolutely asinine it is to do so. Fear of our own sexuality. Believe it or not, there are a lot of confused folks out here who say they are straight but don't even feel comfortable talking about sex at all. Fear of your sexuality. Will my co-worker turn me gay with their gay vibe? (Laugh here.) This is where ignorance comes in. People are still under the impression that being gay is a choice like picking out a new suit, and that one day they will wake up and, through your gay influence, will want to try on that new suit and it will look great. Fear of losing your respect, trust, dependence and the like if we think that you think we are showing any of the above-listed fears.

All of the above hits us, at once, the second you say you're gay, and it scares the sh** out of us that something is going to change between us. We know that it won't. We fear that it might. So the only words of confirmation that everything is still the same between us with this new piece of data about you is, 'That's OK' or 'I don't mind' or 'It doesn't bother me.'

We are all human. Fallible at birth. Stupid till death.

User Detail :  

Name : Robb Wharton, Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : White/Caucasian, Age : 31, City : Cockeysville, State : MD Country : United States, Occupation : System Enginer, Education level : Over 4 Years of College, Social class : Upper middle class, 

[RhondaOutlaw]

As the mother of a nine year old that I absolutely adore, my greatest wish for him is to graduate college, find a meaningful, yet well paying career and meet a nice African American woman, get married and give me some grandchildren I can bounce on my knee. Having said that, if he came to me and said, 'I'm Gay', I would still absolutely adore him, and I would embrace his life partner.

User Detail :  

Name : RhondaOutlaw, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : Black/African American, Religion : Lutheran, Age : 41, City : New York, State : NY Country : United States, Occupation : Account Representative, Education level : 2 Years of College, Social class : Middle class, 

[Jan]

I guess I might give pretty much a similar answer, and I consider myself a liberal person in many ways. I believe the message these people are trying to send between the lines is 'I know that some people are jerks and discriminate, but I dont, and you naturally have my acceptance.'

User Detail :  

Name : Jan, Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Lutheran, Age : 26, City : Helsinki, State : NA Country : Finland, Occupation : IT consultant, Education level : 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class, 

[Steven]

I would be one of those who says 'OK.' What I mean - and left unsaid - is, 'OK, so what?' Maybe that's all there is to it, nothing deep, nothing symbolic, no hidden messages or anything else. Just 'so what.' So you're gay, am I supposed to say something 'special'? Maybe 'that's OK just means don't expect me to treat you any differently.

User Detail :  

Name : Steven, Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Agnostic, Age : 52, City : Alamo, State : CA Country : United States, Occupation : IT, Education level : 4 Years of College, Social class : Upper middle class, 

[Sierra]

Some times I think straight people keep saying 'that's o.k. with me', 'No really thats ok with me' or even worse 'thats the way god made you' because they have to keep reassuring themselves.I wish they would not do this because it is not only annoying but they make it seem like my relationship with women is weird and the hetreosexual relationships are better and that they have to be overly accepting

User Detail :  

Name : Sierra, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Bisexual, Age : 17, City : Austin, State : TX Country : United States, Occupation : student, Education level : Less than High School Diploma, 

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