[Derek R.]

As someone who feels emotionally sensitive and feels they view life from a different plane than most people, I was wondering if anyone had any ideas of how to get along with others. I don't think or act like a lot of people, and this can cause hurt, as I'm either insensitive to their feelings or feel they don't understand mine. I lived a sheltered life growing up as well, so that might play into it. Please help me, because it's important to me to understand and be understood.

User Detail :  

Name : Derek R., Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Disability : Depression, OCD, Giftedness, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Mormon, Age : 20, City : Somerville, State : OH Country : United States, Occupation : Student, Education level : High School Diploma, Social class : Lower class, 

[Deenie]

Based on the information you've given, it sounds like you just need better social skills. A lot of people have the same problem, and there are plenty of books, support groups, counselors and web sites that you can seek out for support and advice. I would suggest asking someone who you've offended what it was specifically that hurt them, and how you might say things differently. People can be surprisingly supportive when they understand that you aren't being insensitive on purpose, and everyone has felt misunderstood at one point or another, so it's an easy thing to relate to. If you ask several people's advice (prepare yourself for what you may hear), generally a common theme will appear, so you'll have a better idea of what you need to work on.

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Name : Deenie, Gender : F, Race : Black/African American, Age : 27, City : Seattle, State : WA Country : United States, Education level : Over 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class, 

[A-Friend]

You're not alone in thinking and feeling differently than 'most' people. I feel the same way at times. Simply treat people the way you want to be treated. If they ignore you or say hurtful things to you, they are probably doing it because they misunderstand you or are even jealous of you. Those people can be like mental poison. Also, if people say hurtful things to you, try not to let them get to you emotionally. There are people in this world who feel it's their sole purpose to put others down. You have unique gifts and talents - find others who share them.

Above all, be yourself. A smile, a friendly hello and direct eye contact with someone you'd like to know better will help you get over these feelings.

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Name : A-Friend, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Age : 29, City : Huntington, State : UT Country : United States, Education level : Over 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class, 

[Sunshine]

I can sort identify with you greatly, because I have been rejected/excluded for being different both growing up in school, neighborhood, businesses, general social, etc.(I later found out that my 'difference' was Asperger's Syndrome years later). The thing which has worked for me was to join formal or even informal support groups to meet and discuss the issues you've asked here to others with your particular needs. By asking similarly situated people for THEIR methods and ideas, you can BOTH learn better social sensitivity skills, as well as gain further insight into ways of overcoming the challenges you face. I hope this helps, and I wish you the best of outcomes in your endeavor.

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Name : Sunshine, Disability : Asperger's Syndrome, City : New York City, State : NY Country : United States, Occupation : Freelance Article Writer, Education level : 2 Years of College, 

[SD]

... cont'd from other post ... (8) This one's hard to explain, but here goes. To get out of your head, try this: center your entire mental 'self' at the center of your abdomen, between your bellybutton and your groin area, deep inside your body. It's easiest to 'get' this when you walk across the room. With each step, feel this center of your body and try to identify your 'self' with that location in your body. When you move your arms, do so from this 'center'. When you walk, focus on this 'center' and feel all the action of your body emanating from there. When you move your head, feel this center as where 'you' are. I know this sounds strange, but don't knock it til you try it. It's part of realizing physically that your 'Center' or 'self' is not just between your ears. Just try it. (9) Pay attention to your 'STATUS' as you interact with other people. You can be 'Low status', 'High status', or you can meet someone on their own. Try different 'status' levels out consciously in different situations. For example, go to a convenience store and try to act as if the person behind the counter is WAY higher status than you are. Try to over-do it. Call him 'Sir' and shrivel in respect and treat his every word is gold. You are nothing to him! THEN... go to a restaurant and try to be 'Higher status' than the waiter. He's working for you! You tell him what to do! You call the shots! He's your slave and you are his master! Ok. Now you can control your status, right? (it takes a lot of practice). So, what you SHOULD do in normal life is MEET OTHER PEOPLE at the SAME status level. If someone is acting like your superior, meet him/her at that status level. You are his/her EQUAL and you may not be lower status than him/her. Similarly, if someone acts like they are giving you a higher status, lower yours and meet them there. You are THEIR equal too. (10) DON'T ever think it's a good thing to think or act like 'a lot of people'. To think that is to give up your own humanity!! People who think and act like someone else are living a LIE. Be totally honest. If you think something that someone might think is different, so what? They are not you, and they might find it interesting or amusing or whatever. But it's YOUR INTEGRITY here at stake. You need to find your own feelings and allow them to be true to you. It's ok. I know this is a lot to take in, but I really understand your question and hope this helps. Remember, all those 'normal' people ARE actually pretty boring.

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Name : SD, Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : White/Caucasian, Age : 35, City : Spokane, State : WA Country : United States, Occupation : Software, Education level : 4 Years of College, Social class : Upper middle class, 

[SD]

I totally relate, and at age 35 I can say honestly to you: this too shall pass. I went from feeling like a Martian to being very happy with life, but it took me until I was 30 or so. How did I do it? Maybe my advice will save you a couple of years of feeling the way you do. (1) First important thing: stop masturbating so much! This is hard to stop, but the extra testosterone really helps. Go at least a week between times and you'll know what I mean. (2) Work out. Getting your body in better shape will help you almost immediately feel more confident and in control of your life. Stop reading this RIGHT NOW and go do 25 push ups!! (3) Get out of your head, man! Focus on the MOMENT. Feel your breathing. Stop now and breathe in slowly, and feel and hear the entire breath come all the way in and all the way out. Try meditation. Try to experience the world as it IS, not as your brain tells you it should be or would have been. (4) Do something uncomfortable... FIRST THING every day. Talk to someone you don't know. Join an acting group. Ask someone for a quarter. Give someone directions even when they haven't asked for them. Whatever. (5) When you are around other people, practice MIRRORING. Try to (subtly, now) stand like they're standing. Breathe like they breathe. Listen with your head tilted just the same as theirs. Don't be too obvious about it, but just this simple thing will help put them at ease. (6) Get used to yourself. Start an audio diary and talk for 20-30 minutes out loud into it. This is great to get past the Listening-to-myself-and-my-every-word-when-I'm-around-others phase and will help you start being spontaneous. Even if you run out of things to say, keep talking and filling up tape / disk until the clock gives you permission to stop. (7) Stop living for yourself and start living for them. THEY (other people) want you to be comfortable around them. THEY want you to listen to them and be interested in them. Ask questions. Listen to answers and follow up with questions that you will really want the answer to. Listen for clues about their inner selves. THEY always (always!) will want to be around you... IF you are TRULY interested in THEM, but ONLY if you really are, not if you are doing things with a hidden selfish am-I-ok-with-you agenda. The entire focus should be on YOU learning more about THEM and their inner selves and lives. ...continued...

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Name : SD, Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : White/Caucasian, Age : 35, City : Spokane, State : WA Country : United States, Occupation : Software, Education level : 4 Years of College, Social class : Upper middle class, 

[Brenda Spalding]

If you are truly not feeling what other people feel, it can be caused by a lot of different things. I see that you've listed depression and OCD both, and both can cause an emotional disconnect. You might want to talk to a mental health professional about this specifically; there may be something (maybe a combination of medication and therapy) that can help.

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Name : Brenda Spalding, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Disability : dysthymia, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Agnostic, Age : 35, City : Ann Arbor, State : MI Country : United States, Occupation : Technical Associate, Education level : 2 Years of College, Social class : Middle class, 

[Jay31343]

I guess you could try to meet as many people as possible so that at some point you will find people who are similar to yourself. Or maybe joint interest based organizations. I find that most people respond the best to laid back, positive, friendly, open people - are you any of these?. How exactly are you weird? What are some of the things you do which you think are alien to others?

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Name : Jay31343, City : New York, State : NY Country : United States, 

[Sandra]

Your comments sound very familiar to me. My boyfriend of two years and I have had numerous problems because he has similar difficulties. He feels like he simply can't 'make connections' with people and feels socially different, although he is incredibly intelligent and is personally very sensitive. Two things I would suggest for you - just to make yourself feel like you are not alone in this - are to read a book titled 'The Highly Sensitive Person' by Elaine Aron and to also look online for information on Asperger's Syndrome. I am not looking to diagnose, but I know that for us the information made a lot of things make sense. The best piece of advice, though, is to keep trying. It can be hard work, but is always worth it.

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Name : Sandra, Gender : F, Race : White/Caucasian, Age : 29, City : Vancouver, British Columbia, State : WA Country : Canada, Education level : Over 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class, 

[Tina24614]

I think a lot of people feel this way, to different levels. Have you ever read up on asperger's syndrome? It might help you understand yourself a bit more (which might help you understand why you don't feel you relate well to others.) When people don't understand, it's frustrating on both ends. The way I cope is, when all else fails, brutal honesty can help. It doesn't always work, but it gives you a place to start talking about what you're feeling. It's better than not doing anything for fear of saying the wrong thing.

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Name : Tina24614, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Agnostic, Age : 32, City : Toronto, Ontario, State : NA Country : Canada, Occupation : writer, Education level : 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class, 

[Kisar-S]

I can relate to your difficulty. Your situation can be related to perspective. How you view the world and what you deem of interest in it are different than the typical 'average person'. While one person may find a particular topic of vital importance to their lives, you may be detached and uninterested. The converse is also true. To 'get along better with others,' one needs to be aware of the wants/desires/needs/interests of others and gain an understanding of why they find these things important. Develop the ability to see the world through someone else's eyes. Focus on the whys and hows of what adds vitality to their lives. Once you understand them and their perspective on the world, you'll find it much easier and more rewarding to deal with them. However, a lot of people out there are really boring. So be careful.

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Name : Kisar-S, Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Disability : ADD, LD in Math, Race : White/Caucasian, Age : 28, City : Muncton, State : NA Country : Canada, Occupation : Physicist, Education level : Over 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class, 

[Cheron]

Don't feel bad. I've been this way my whole life! I used to wonder why, and then I just let it slide. I try to make sure I am kind and non-abrasive, but otherwise I try to still be me. That me is very strange! I would recommend that maybe you see a counselor so he or she can help you with the rough parts about yourself and help you appreciate what you have to offer.

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Name : Cheron, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : Black/African American, Religion : Baptist, Age : 30, City : Twin Lake, State : MI Country : United States, Occupation : Data Entry, Education level : 2 Years of College, 

[Jasmine]

Another thing is that you can take the Myers-Briggs Test. It categorizes people into one of the basic personality types. It helped me a lot to make me realize why I act, and feel the way I do, and in addition, why others do the things that they do. Good luck.

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Name : Jasmine, Gender : F, Race : Asian, Age : 24, City : Buffalo, State : NY Country : United States, Education level : Over 4 Years of College, Social class : Upper class, 

[Athena]

Hello, Derek. I am not a doctor, and no one can be diagnosed over the Internet. I, too, see some similarities with high-functioning autism and/or Asperger Syndrome (both autistic spectrum disorders, but not identical) in your description. Even if you were not on the spectrum, I suspect you might find a lot of helpful information researching the syndrome and reading up on how autistics feel and the strategies they use in trying to get along with non-spectrum people. You might look up the books by Dr. Temple Grandin (a diagnosed high-functioning autistic) 'Emergence: Labeled Autistic' and 'Thinking in Pictures', as well as the last chapter (about Dr. Gandin) in Oliver Sacks' book 'An Anthropologist on Mars'. (Dr. Grandin thinks of herself as being from Mars and being an observer of human behavior from the point of view of an alien.)

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Name : Athena, Gender : F, Disability : Asperger Syndrome/autistic spectrum, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Buddhist, Age : 53, City : Houston, State : TX Country : United States, Occupation : computer analyst, Education level : 2 Years of College, 

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