[SR28467]

How do gay people justify marrying or dating a person of the opposite sex? I would assume that many closeted gay people who do this hope that they'll change, or maybe they want societal approval or ... who knows? What I'm wondering about is the sacrifice of the other person involved, the spouse or longtime lover who has no idea their partner is gay. How does the closeted homosexual justify scraping up another person's heart/life in this way?

User Detail :  

Name : SR28467, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Humanist, Age : 23, City : San Antonio, State : TX Country : United States, Education level : Over 4 Years of College, 

[H.]

While it remains extremely common for gay people to be forced into a legal marriage with members of a different sex, the only reason this happens is that a lot of gay people do not accept their sexual orientation until they are already married to someone of the opposite sex. As society becomes more open and realistic about the nature of emotional attraction, more gay people are realizing and accepting their orientation at earlier ages and don't have to go through a phase of dating people of the wrong (in their case opposite) sex. However, many children are still told that they are supposed to marry someone of the opposite sex by parents, educators, etc. If a gay person thinks heterosexuality is somehow preferable to homosexuality, he or she may attempt the impossible task of transformation to a different sexual orientation.

User Detail :  

Name : H., Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Gay, Race : white Southerner, Religion : Methodist, Age : 25, City : Washington, State : DC Country : United States, Occupation : statistician, Education level : Over 4 Years of College, Social class : Upper middle class, 

[Kerry]

Many of us truly did not know who we are. We dated straights, of the 'proper' gender, and many of us got married and had kids, only to find out later in life that we are in fact gay. Revealing onself to your spouse is a heart-wrenching thing. The women I know have struggled for months, years, to decide if and when they should tell their husbands. They fear the 'automatic' end of their marriage if they tell him. Which means they live in hell, because there is a distance between them, because a large portion of her needs are simply not being met. Some of us have worked out arrangements within our marriages; many of us have been forced out of marriages; many of us have left marriages. The usual expectation is that once someone comes out, the marriage is just plain over. Never mind the feelings of the couple involved, everyone just expects it to end. It isn't that we justify it, it's something that just happens. I think most of the women I know would rather have found out when they were young, so they could avoid dragging a husband and kids through this change. Some of us did know, and tried to pretend we didn't. They tried to do the expected thing, get married, have kids, and now 20 years later, are finding out it didn't work- they are still pining for that woman's touch.

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Name : Kerry, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Lesbian, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Wiccan, Age : 31, City : Ventura, State : CA Country : United States, Occupation : Stage Worker, Education level : 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class, 

[J.S.]

S.R., As someone who has been married (3 kids too) and later discovered who I am I can tell you it is JUST AS HEARTWRENCHING to us. When I married, I had never slept with someone of the same sex. I had fantasies but wouldn't think of it. I assumed I was straight with fantasies (that ALL straight people occasionally fantasize about being with their own sex). To this day I love my xwife, but I remained in a long term marriage (22 years) and the last 7 or so my fantasies began to supersurface. I HAD TO find out who I was. While I don't condone going outside of marriage, I did but to find out if sleeping with a guy felt natural. It did and I realized who I was. Married a long time and 3 kids later. While I will admit it is awful for a spouse to find out about their partner being gay, it is just as wrenching for the one who REALIZES that he is gay and is now 'into' a long term marriage. It was a very painful time in my life. Sometimes it still is. That is why I know sexuality is not a choice. Why would I give up a wife that loved me, and a relatively stable life to become gay if I had a choice.

User Detail :  

Name : J.S., Gender : M, Race : White/Caucasian, Age : 47, City : Nashua, State : NH Country : United States, Occupation : engineer, Education level : 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class, 

[Kade-S26976]

Some honestly believe that if they get married to someone they love (in a platonic way), they'll turn straight and their love will become romantic. Many anti-gay groups promote this in their attempts to make gays somehow magically turn straight. Other gay people, having been told that it's normal for everyone to have the occasional same-sex attraction, don't realize until they're older that their same-sex attractions are a lot stronger and it's not just a case of everyone else being able to hide it better. This can be related to the third possible reason, a deep-seated denial the person has about the fact that they're gay. Many people who don't come out until late in life weren't even out to themselves for most of their life.

User Detail :  

Name : Kade-S26976, Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Gay, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Atheist, Age : 18, City : Jersy City, State : NJ Country : United States, Social class : Upper middle class, 

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