[Vista]

I have a gay friend (Ray) who is 35 and was married before he decided to live the gay lifestyle about six years ago. His first gay affair was a disaster because the guy was just looking for someone to support him. He has been with his second for five years, even though he obviously doesn't even like to be around the guy. He is very uncomfortable admitting he is gay, but you can tell his boyfriend is gay just by looking at him. The boyfriend is lazy, depressed, hates everything and everybody that Ray likes, and does very little other than watch TV and sleep. The only thing they seem to have in common is sex and a checkbook. Ray is not happy but doesn't want to hurt this lazy bum. He knows the guy is using him, but he is so uncomfortable admitting to anyone he is gay that he stays with him just to keep from having to find someone else.

My problem is how to deal with Ray about his boyfriend. I'm tired of watching him taken advantage of, but it's none of my business, except that he constantly bitches about it, and I'm tired of hearing it. How do I make him see that there are lots of quality men out there who would be thrilled to be with him and also carry their own weight? Hell, I know hundreds of women who would kill for a guy like him. He deserves better than this bum, how do I open his eyes?

User Detail :  

Name : Vista, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : White/Caucasian, Age : 39, City : Dallas, State : TX Country : United States, Occupation : Self-employed, Education level : 4 Years of College, Social class : Upper middle class, 

[Roger D.]

It's commendable that you want to help your friend realize there are healthy ways of being gay. He needs to find this out on his own. Encourage him to contact the local gay community center. You may want to get some of their reading materials for him. I'm sure they have many programs and activities that would allow Ray to not only see that being gay is a healthy alternative to the life he's been living, but he may also realize there are a lot of other 'fish in the ocean' and he doesn't have to put up with an unhealthy relationship. You seem to be a very good friend to Ray, and you can help by continuing to be supportive, but Ray has to 'do the work.' He'll be happy he did. Best of luck. E-mail if you'd like.

User Detail :  

Name : Roger D., Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Gay, Race : White/Caucasian, Age : 48, City : New York, State : NY Country : United States, Occupation : Self Employed, Education level : Over 4 Years of College, 

[Ben S.]

You've sort of indicated one answer to the problem- that would be working on your friend's comfort with his own homosexuality. I often do feel sorry for guys who come out later- it's harder, particularly as the commercial gay bar and club often do not offer a lot for those over 35. Larger cities do have resources for men who classify themselves as 'mature'. Mind you, we are assuming here that your friend does stay with his boyfriend because he's too scared to go elsewhere. There may be other reasons- there's nowt so queer as folks ! One 'counselling technique' I often use is to throw the impetus back on the person complaining, indicating that it is up to them to make a decision. Sometimes, even if you reel off all their most-used refrains, the complainer can realise how he's coming across and get the gentle hint that he ought to do something.

User Detail :  

Name : Ben S., Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Gay, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Catholic, Age : 31, City : sydney, State : NA Country : Australia, Occupation : Public servant, Education level : 4 Years of College, Social class : Lower middle class, 

[Tony]

I don't think it's at all easy to see why people are sexually attracted to some others, especially if they are perceived to be 'not good for them' or 'using them' or 'just in it for the meal ticket' etc. The guy knows all that is being said about his partner, he'd have to be foolish not to, but it's his decision to stay in that relationship, and it may well be more fulfilling for both parties than outsiders can tell, even though he moans about it a lot. It's not your business to do anything about it, but to be there for your friend; if he begins to alienate you by the moans about the boyfriend, you should take care of your own needs by letting him know that you like to listen but you have a need not to be told the same things over and over. You could also try to make friends with the criticised live-in partner if your original friend would agree to that, and then you can talk to him also about what bothers you about his behaviour. However, it's always best to do that in terms of 'I' language - don't criticise him, just tell him your own feelings. 'The Dance of Anger' - an old book by Susie Orbach- gives some good examples of dealing with relationship angst. But above all, realise this kind of relationship IS very common amongst gays; it's not shocking or surprising; it's how some guys are. Been there, seen it, washed his T-shirt for him.

User Detail :  

Name : Tony, Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Gay, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Atheist, Age : 56, City : London, State : NA Country : United Kingdom, Occupation : diversity manager, Education level : Over 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class, 

[Chuck]

It is very commendable that you care about the well being of your friend. But you can't change him... all you can do is be a loving and supporting friend and remind him that he is worthy of being loved. It can take some of us a very long time to realize that not only do we want love, be we are worthy of someone elses love. When we come out of the closet, there is a lot of self-doubt, and it is through caring friends that we learn differently. It depends on the individual, and how much guilt he is dealing with. Ultimately, he needs to make the decision. If you berate his current boyfriend, you may only alienate tour friend... especially if he feels he has no where else to go. I would say... just continue to be a good friend, love him, and remind him what a wonderful individual he is. Hopefully, someday he will realize it too. When he does, the relationship issues will take care of themselves.

User Detail :  

Name : Chuck, Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Gay, Race : White/Caucasian, Age : 49, City : Sacramento, State : CA Country : United States, 

[Sue]

I had a co-worker who would continually tell me about how her husband physically and emotionally abused her. One day I told her, 'Sherry, until you help yourself, I don't want to hear it!' The next day she sought out a shelter and left the a**hole. To make a long story short, I guess you'll have to resort to tough love. I know you probably don't want to hurt him, but essentially you're being an enabler. And no one can use someone without their permission.

User Detail :  

Name : Sue, Gender : F, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Pagan, Age : 48, City : Ft .Worth, State : TX Country : United States, Occupation : burned-out nurse, 

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